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Seth Cohen

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"Do you want to play Grand Theft Auto? It’s pretty cool. You can like, steal cars and… not that that’s cool. Or uncool. I don’t know… um…."
— Seth to Ryan Atwood [src]

Seth Cohen was one of the main characters throughout the first, second, third and fourth seasons of the Fox drama series The O.C.. He is portrayed by Adam Brody.

Seth was a wealthy teenager from Newport Beach. The young boy is constantly being bullied by his classmates, for not being the classic "California boy". Seth, instead of going out and seeing other people, preferred to stay in his room and read comics, his passion.

When Ryan Atwood enters his living room, his life changes forever. He not only becomes his best friend, but also his brother. Thanks to his friendship with Ryan, he will be able to talk and even conquer, the girl he has been in love with since childhood, but with whom he never had the courage to speak. Seth, alongside Ryan, Marissa and Summer, is a member of The Core Four.

Background[]

Seth Ezekiel Cohen was born in Berkeley, California, he was the only child of Sandy and Kirsten Cohen. Early in his life, his parents moved to Newport Beach, where his mother began to work for her father, Caleb Nichol in construction and architecture. Sandy began his work for the D.A. and they moved into a Newport Group house, always with the plan of eventually moving back to Berkeley.

When they were children, Seth went to kindergarten with Summer Roberts, Marissa Cooper, Luke Ward and Taylor Townsend. Before Ryan's arrival, Seth was ignored by most of his peers due to his awkward nature and unusual hobbies.

Personality[]

Seth is the classic nerd, he likes the comics (his greatest passion) and rock music. Unfortunately despite Seth's family, which is one of the best known in the seaside town where he lives, Cohen is constantly bullied at school, and is considered a loser. Before Ryan joins his family, Seth was an only child, so at first he was quite selfish. But thanks to Ryan's arrival, and their subsequent friendship, as well as thanks to his deep love for Summer and their subsequent relationship, he come to understand that he must also think of others sometimes.

Throughout the Series[]

Season 1[]

Seth Cohen was befriended by Ryan Atwood when the latter was brought home by his father Sandy. They quickly strike a friendship as Ryan did not judge him like other "Newpsies" and Seth was the first to accept Ryan as a member of the household without any reservations. Soon after Ryan's arrival, Seth became friends with Marissa Cooper and has the opportunity to talk to Marissa's best friend, Summer Roberts, the second most popular girl in the school, for whom she has a crush since childhood. The pair grew closer after they traveled to Tijuana together, despite Summer's denial of liking him. She quickly turned him down for a date after seeing a few cheerleaders eyeing the pair. After finally admitting she liked Seth, Summer grew jealous of Seth's friend Anna Stern, whom he met at a cotillion dance practice and he shared many interests with, including comics. They started dating after Seth decided in her favour during a contest for his affection between her and Summer. However, their relationship was short lived as they broke up when Seth made it obvious that he truly wanted Summer instead and had made the wrong choice. Anna soon left to go home to Pittsburgh, but she and Seth remained close friends.

Though Summer and Seth started seeing each other and lost their virginity to each other, Summer still wanted their relationship to be secret. Seth refused to put up with this and declared his love for her atop a coffee cart in front of the school. Seth and Summer's relationship became official and continued until Seth's best and pretty much only friend Ryan Atwood announced he'd be returning to his home neighborhood, Chino, after his pregnant ex-girlfriend declared she wanted to keep the baby and raise it in her hometown. Seth tried to make Ryan stay and was distraught at his departure but tried to appear uninterested by it, although it pained him deeply. He couldn't face the idea of becoming a loner once more, and even though he still had Summer, he decided to sail the oceans for the summer in his boat, Summer Breeze, which was named after Summer. He left a note for her, and for his parents, who were distraught over losing both Seth and Ryan in one day.

Season 2[]

Seth begins the season in Portland, Oregon, living with Luke and his father, Carson, after sailing away from Newport Beach once Ryan returned to Chino to live with Theresa. Kirsten calls repeatedly in an attempt to coax Seth to come back, but fails. Sandy travels to Portland and also fails; finally, it is left to Ryan to convince Seth to return home. Seth's decision is made easier when Theresa tells Ryan she miscarried and convinces him to move back to Newport.

Seth is despondent when he finds out Summer has moved on from him and is now dating Zach Stevens, the son of a congressman and a water polo player. His despair deepens when he catches Summer and Zach laughing at a lunch with Neil Roberts, after Seth failed miserably in his attempt to impress Summer's father.

Alex Kelly worked in a club in Newport Beach, emancipated from her parents and rented her own flat. She portrayed a tough image, which made Seth believe she was out of his league. In an attempt to appeal to that toughness, Seth wears one of Ryan's tank tops and goes for a joyride in his grandfather's Aston-Martin. Alex, however, found Seth's innocence appealing and the pair started dating shortly after he got a job working in the same club as her. The relationship was short lived however. Alex, who was bisexual, dumped Seth for Marissa Cooper.

When Seth, Summer and Zach go to San Diego to pitch Atomic County, he is forced to stay by himself in an adjoining hotel room, while Summer and Zach share a bed in another room. He stays up all night and subsequently ruins the pitch by introducing new elements which were not part of the original pitch, including a love affair between The Ironist (Seth) and Little Miss Vixen (Summer). Seth takes the bus back to Newport, figuring he has blown it forever with Summer. Summer dumps Zach as they are about to fly to Italy, and she takes a cab to the Cohen house, where she kisses Seth in the rain.

Seth and Zach literally fight over Summer at the launch party for Atomic County. When the prom and a meeting with George Lucas are scheduled for the same night, Seth and Zach flip a coin to determine who will take Summer to prom and who will meet with Lucas. Zach wins the date to the prom and Seth meets Lucas, but the boys determine they should be where the other is. Seth arrives at the prom just in time to see Summer crowned Prom Queen. He gets on stage and reaffirms his love for Summer with a long kiss.

Season 3[]

They stayed together and started to apply to colleges, deciding on Brown University, Seth's dream college, because "most importantly, it's 3,000 miles away". Summer decided that if she got into Brown and Seth didn't, she would not attend because she wanted to be with him. Summer got in and Seth did not, but he lied and told her he did because he didn't want her to pass up Brown, which led to their breakup. When he visited Brown, Seth came across Anna and she helped him get an interview for the Rhode Island School of Design (RISD). In the season finale, Seth surprised Summer with his acceptance to RISD for the spring semester, and they reunited. They happily graduated from high school, but things got difficult when their friend Marissa, died in a car accident.

Season 4[]

Six months after Marissa's death, Seth worked at a comic-book store and had problems with Summer, who turned from materialistic gossip into a tree-hugging Vegan (who later protested against poverty at a Thanksgiving meal at the Cohens) at college and would not answer his phone calls. He left long messages on her answering-machine. When they met in Newport, Summer acted cold towards him. After a visit from Taylor, Summer realized that she was isolating Seth because she couldn't deal with what was in Newport - the memory of Marissa. She visited home for Thanksgiving, and Seth confronted her with this concept, which she eventually accepted, telling him via voice mail as she left to return to Brown to deal with it on her own. Though Summer came to terms with Marissa's death through therapy and seemed to return to her old self, she and Seth quickly discovered that her tree-hugging ways had left a deep imprint. Seth supported her by stepping back and giving her space to pursue her new interests; however, this made Summer realize how important Seth was in her life and their relationship grew stronger. False pretenses led to Summer's semester-long suspension from Brown just as Seth was to start at RISD, but Seth decided he would put off college until the following fall so they could return to Providence together. On the eve of the New Year, a pregnancy scare caused Seth to ask for Summer's hand in marriage. Although the scare was false, plans for their marriage remained. Later, Summer backed out of the engagement, but they were still dating. Their relationship was again questioned when Summer was offered a job at .G.E.O.R.G.E., while Seth had nothing set for him. When Newport was struck with an earthquake, they barely escape a collapsing streetlight and the Cohens, whose house was destroyed, cram together with Julie and Kaitlin Cooper at Summer's house. For the next six months, Seth was in limbo and Summer challenges him to find something he is passionate about and pursue it. She accepted the offer from .G.E.O.R.G.E. but promises to stay in contact. The series concluded four years later in "The End's Not Near, It's Here" with the couple getting married in a Jewish ceremony, with Ryan serving as best man.

Relationships[]

Romances[]

Main article: Seth-Summer Relationship

Main article: Anna-Seth Relationship

Main article: Alex-Seth Relationship

Family[]

Main article: Seth-Ryan Relationship

Main article: Sandy-Seth Relationship

Main article: Seth-Kirsten Relationship

Main article: Seth-Caleb Relationship

Friends[]

Main article: Seth-Marissa Relationship

Main article: Seth-Taylor Relationship

Main article: Luke-Seth Relationship

Main article: Kaitlin-Seth Relationship

Quotes[]

Pilot

Seth Cohen: Summer's right over there, look. Wait, don't look. I mean you can look, but don't look like you're looking.
Seth: Oh wow, I should really learn how to knock. Just in case there's a threesome going on. In the bathroom.
Seth: You guys really wouldn't hurt me. Because that would be so clichéd. (they pick him up) I guess you're fans of the cliché then.

The Debut

Kirsten: Seth, we need to talk to Ryan.
Seth: Okay. If this has to do with the rug, though, I just wanted to tell you that Ryan had nothing to do with it.
Kirsten: What about the rug?
Seth: I'm gonna go now. :)
Seth: Dude. You're a Cohen now. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.----
Sandy: Fellas, you mind?
Seth: Oh. Uh, if this is about the vase...
Sandy: Which vase?
Seth: Nothing. Let's go, Ryan.
Ryan: You didn't tell me there was dancing.
Seth: Well if I told you there was dancing, I'd be here by myself.
Ryan: Because I really don't dance.
Seth: Neither do I. I just move well.
Seth: You know, you're a great barbecuetionist.----
Seth: Wow. You just got your butt kicked and you didn't even fight back. Dude, you really are a Cohen.----
Seth: By the end of the night, she might know my first name.

The Outsider

Ryan: Your mom bought me some new clothes. Which she didn't have to do.
Seth: Right. Because we all know you can get a lot of mileage out of a tank top.
Ryan: Ever since your parents took me in they've been paying for everything. I can't keep doing this.
Seth: They're parents. They work for us.
Seth: How do you feel about a little thing that I like to call... The IMAX Experience. pause. This town sucks, it's the best I could do.----
Ryan: It's kind of a shady area up there. It's a hardcore neighborhood.
Seth: Dude, it's Long Beach, not Chechnya.
Sandy: So this happened in the parking lot of the IMAX movie theater?
Seth: Shark movies bring out a rough crowd.
Seth: It turns out that I'm quite skilled at getting a date if it's not for me.----
Donnie: How much 'you hate this kid, Ryan? The way he talks to you like you're trash? What about you, Seth?
Seth: Yeah. He's definitely flawed.
Seth: It'd be good to take some me-time—work on my novel. Tonight would make a good chapter.----
Seth: United, we're unstoppable, but divided, it's like—
Ryan: People get shot.
Seth: That's what I'm saying.

The Escape

Seth: What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.
Ryan: What happens in Mexico?
Seth: I don't know, because it stays there. That's why we must go!
Kirsten: After 15 years? There's no way he's selling out.
Sandy: Well, it'd have to be one hell of a free meal.
Seth: And that's what they call a callback in comedy, Ryan.
Summer: You're Jewish?
Seth: Yes. That's why I feel so comfortable in this desert heat.
Summer: This is a nightmare. I'm sweating to death, driving ten miles an hour on, like, a rickshaw, listening to this... music.
Seth: Hey, do not insult Death Cab.
Summer: It's like one guitar and a whole lot of complaining.
Summer: I am positive that I'm leaving this place with a rash.
Seth: Oh, so you're planning on making some extra money tonight?
Summer: What're you doing?
Seth: Almost watching TV. This is either Spongebob Squarepants or Jag.
Summer: Come on. Get off the bed!
Seth: Nope.
Summer: Be, like, a gentleman?
Seth: Chivalry's dead, sugar.
Summer: You make a move, I rip out your jugular.
Seth: Hey, pillow talk.
Kirsten: Ok, now let's talk about that surprise little trip to Tijuana.
Seth: It's pronounced Tee-Ha-Wana. God mom you're so white.

The Girlfriend

Sandy: Are we worried your dad won't love us if we don't feed him enough?
Kirsten: Alright, starting now, no more digs at my dad.
Sandy: Oh no, that wasn't a dig. Seth, was that a dig?
Seth: No. When you called him a heartless bastard, that was a dig.
Sandy: You sold me out.
Gabrielle: I'm being sarcastic.
Seth: Ah. Yes, we don't get a lot of that around here.
Gabrielle: Fifth grade? Okay, she needs to change that. She's known that guy since he's been eating paste.
Seth: I think he still does.
Seth: Who's winning, me or my hair?
Seth: You hooked up with my grandma? Actually that's kinda hot.
Seth: Do you have any idea how pathetic it is to listen to you talk about mergers while some guy just stares at your boobs?
Summer: Which guy was staring at my boobs?
Seth: Who cares? The point is if that guy doesn't know you, he doesn't care who you really are. He has no idea that every day of third grade, you shared your lunch with that little skinny squirrel who kept getting his nuts stolen by that fat squirrel.
Summer: I hated that mean squirrel.
Seth: And, none of those guys were there when you had to read your poem out loud in class and your hand was shaking because you were nervous and you cared what the other kids thought.
Summer: Poem? What poem?
Seth: I Wish I Was A Mermaid.
Summer: You remember that? That was, like, sixth grade.
Seth: "I wish I was a mermaid and was friends with all the fish, a shiny tail and seashells, that's—

(Summer kisses Seth)

Seth: —what I would wish.

The Rescue

Sandy: If you can't talk to your dad, then who can you talk to?
Seth: Gee, I don't know. Ryan, Mom, that tree over there.
Sandy: You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
Seth: When are you leaving?

The Heights

Seth: How do you do that? Convey your mood with a look.
Seth: The master race has been perfected, Ryan, and they all go to this school.

The Perfect Couple

Seth: So when you lost your virginity, I was playing Magic the Gathering.
Ryan: You still play Magic.
Seth: Yeah, but not as much.
Seth: I'm only here for comic relief.
Anna: So, this is your crib? This is where all the magic happens?
Seth: Well, if by magic, you're referring to the card game, then, sadly, yes.

The Homecoming

Ryan: Titans. What about Legion? That was kinda cooler.
Seth: The guy is in prison, man. Have you seen Oz? But, yeah, Legion was kinda cooler.
Seth: Hey did you guys hear? Ryan's funny now.
Summer: I... I just can't help it. And I certainly can't explain it. You didn't tell anyone?
Seth: Of course not.
Summer: 'Cause I'll kill you.
Seth: No, I believe you.
Seth: Nothing says Thanksgiving like Moo Shu Pork.
Seth: Ryan. That's extremely minty of you. I didn't even know they had musicals in Chino. I didn't even know they had dancing. Or... laughter.
Ryan: That's because no one who lived there is as funny as you.
Seth: So, we finally agree I'm the funny one. Well look at that! Looks like we all learned some valuable lessons this Thanksgiving.

The Secret

Seth: I'm not afraid of Summer and Anna. Well, I'm not afraid of Anna.
Seth: You and Luke? Holy unholy alliances!
Luke: What are you looking at, Queer?
Seth: Is somebody gonna get new material? Alright. Go with what works.
Ryan: I'm still the guy that's from Chino and burnt the house down.
Marissa: I'm still the girl who tried to kill herself in Mexico.
Seth: I'm...uhhh...ahh..I'm still Seth Cohen.

The Best Chrismukkah Ever

Ryan: You're really starting to scare me.
Seth: I'm okay with that.
Seth: I am the snowflake and the latke.
Seth: How was the mall?
Ryan: Weird.
Seth: Ah, yes. You've really painted a picture for me, I feel like I was there.
Seth: I'm gonna go make magic happen. I feel like my hair is really working for me tonight.
Seth: All right man, another Chrismukkah convert!
Kirsten: We didn't know how to raise Seth.
Seth: Right, and so I raised myself.

The Countdown

Seth: Separate seats, you guys. There's no sex in the champagne room.
Seth: 3 letter word for hilarious. Dad, write that down.
Hailey Nichol: Is that the short chick next door?
Seth: Puberty happened. She's a Laker.
Seth: Carson Daly and a ball dropping.... There's two words that should never be used in the same sentence.
Sandy: Do you guys need anything?
Seth: Yes. Ryan needs a tear in the space time continuum.
Seth: Okay, that's a lot of genitalia in my pool.
Seth: I'm claustrophobic.
Ryan: Seth this place is huge. It has a kitchen and a bathroom.
Seth: Sh. Ryan, do not use up all the oxygen.
Ryan: You want a sandwich, a shower, we got all that here.
Seth: Ha ha ha. We're gonna die and I'm the good one.
Ryan: I sleep here every night. Three of the walls are made of windows.
Seth: Yes, which are now covered with naked dudes. We're trapped like rats.
Ryan: Yeah. Rats in an enormous pool house, by the way. Your aunt's really cool.
Seth: Yeh I know, she's be a bit unpredictable sometimes. My shirt's strangling me.
Ryan: Great, my girlfriend's kissing some guy. I'm stuck here with a lunatic.
Anna: I didn't want you to be alone on New Year's...Actually, I didn’t wanna be alone on New Year's.
Seth: Well, I'm not alone.
Anna: Oh.
Seth: Mm-mm. I have, uh, Captain Oats and Carson Daly, so...
Anna: Oh, wow. That’s an unbeatable combination. I'll go.
Seth: Wait, wait. Uh, Captain Oats had too much champagne and...Carson Daly's kind of a ginormous tool, so...I could use the company.

The Third Wheel

Luke: Oh, hey, Cohen. Check out the replay on this tackle! I broke this bitch in half!
Seth: Luke has a gay dad. Luke has a gay dad.....Can't wait to see it buddy!
Seth: Dude. I cannot believe you live in the penthouse. This place is ridonculous.
Sandy: So at this concert tonight, anyone there gonna be doin' drugs?
Seth: Ah, I hope so. Otherwise it's a lame-ass concert.
Sandy: Anyone named Seth gonna be doin' any drugs?
Seth: Noooo. Nobody named Seth Cohen. I promise.
Seth: Hey man, you know who sings this song?
Luke: Rooney!
Seth: Yeah. And it should stay that way.
Seth: You'll gonna miss a heck of and show though. And Rooney are not that bad either!

The Rivals

Seth: Ugh. God. Who watches Leno? That explains everything.
Anna: Explains what, Seth?
Seth: Why that Danny guy is so not funny.
Sandy: Whoa, that kid is not funny!
Seth: Thank you! I know.
Sandy: He makes Ryan look funny.
Seth: He makes Marissa look funny.
Sandy: Gentiles. I love your mother more then words, but not funny. Get yourself some funnier friends.
Seth: Well, if you're ever feelin', you know, too bitter and lonely, I TiVo'd some Daily Shows. I know Jon Stewart's no Leno, but...
Marissa: Hey what are you guys doing?
Seth: Ryan was just waxing my back. Could you give us a second, it sort of stings.

The Truth

Sandy: Hello, ladies!
Seth: Dad, don't call me a lady.
Seth: You know how excited I get turning people on to comics.

The Heartbreak

Summer: I'm busy. Studying. Naked.
Seth: And that's supposed to keep me away?
Summer: You're at my house!
Seth: And you are dressed. I wonder who's more disappointed.
Seth: It's not like, like now that me and Anna broke up I'm now choosing you. Because the whole reason we broke up is because of you. It's always been you Summer. It's just always been you. I tried to fight it and I tried to deny it. And I can't, I can't do it, you're undeniable.
Seth: I was like a fish... flopping around on dryland, Ryan... I was Nemo and i just wanted to go home.
Seth: I need advice on girl stuff.
Sandy: You've come to the master.

(Kirsten snickers)

Sandy: Hey, I got you.
Kirsten: I was young, impressionable, and drunk.
Seth: Only child, right here.
Sandy: Hey, listen, you were lucky to be able to hang in there after all that foreplay.
Seth: Fore-what-now?
Ryan: What'd you do to your eye?
Seth: Summer poked me in it with her big toe. There were limbs everywhere.
Ryan: Oh so you did the deed again?
Seth: Not to rub it in, man, but I think Princess Sparkle was your type.
Summer: The other night, when we had sex, you weren't the only virgin in the room.
Seth: There was someone else in the room? Like, filming us?
Summer: Me, jackass.

The Telenovela

Ryan: We'll just go back to being friends.
Seth: When were you ever friends?
Kirsten: I sense sarcasm.
Seth: Well, you're perceptive, mother.
Sandy: You did musicals? I did a musical when I was in college.
Kirsten: Oh, please, someone stop him before he breaks into "Greased Lightning."
Seth: Do it, Dad. Travolta's your bitch.
Summer: Why can't you just accept that I'm not comfortable with public displays of affection!
Seth: You're offering yourself or ten dollars a pop at a kissing booth! How much more publicly can affection be displayed!
Seth: Hey, I didn't recognize you out of the Speedo. Not that I would recognize you in the Speedo.
Seth: How was Pittsburgh?
Anna: Great. It was good to be home.
Seth: Well Pittsburgh is also the home of,Andy Warhol, Mr. Rogers, and ketchup and you just can't compete with that.
Seth: I can't acknowledge you privately if you're not gonna acknowledge me publicly.

The Goodbye Girl

Seth: My Jew-fro is frizzing out. I look like Screech.
Seth: I know, I get that. But if it is 'cause of me, maybe I can talk her out of it. Except for the fact that I can't ask her if it because of me without sounding totally self-absorbed. And I'm not self-absorbed, right Ryan? Me. Me. Me.
Seth: What if the girl I'm supposed to be with just went back to Pittsburgh?
Ryan: What if she just went back to Chino?
Seth: Why would Anna go to Chino? *pause* Kidding.
Ryan: Nice one. Well, at least we still have each other.
Seth: Actually, I have Summer now. But I'll put a little Seth/Ryan time on the books. That's quality time.
Ryan: Thanks, buddy. You know, I could always hang out with Luke. I wonder what he's doing right now.
Seth: I don't know. Discovering fire... Hunting and gathering... maybe shaving his chest with a buck knife. Hey you could do that together.
Ryan: I do do that.

The L.A.

Seth: I think I'm gonna declare this month...Angst Free Ryan Month.
Ryan: A month? You think it's gonna last all month?
Seth: Angst Free Ryan Week, with an option for an additional week, if you like it
Seth: Maybe they're not having sex. Maybe they just go to spoon and watch Charlie Rose.
Ryan: He's kinda like you.
Seth: What? Handsome and charming?
Ryan: No. Geeky and sarcastic.
Ryan: How does that guy play high school?
Seth: Hollywood, man.
Seth: Yeah, yeah, that's exactly right. You're the beauty, he's the brawn, I'm the brains. Perfect.
Summer: Great, and what am I, Cohen?
Seth: Uh, the boobs? (Summer hits him) Uh, the bitch?
Summer: Okay, I'll take the boobs.
Seth: Hey. So will I

The Nana

Luke: Hey, Cohen! Get up!
Seth: It's my precious! You can't have it!...Hey, what's wrong?
Luke: You were asleep, that's what's wrong!
Seth: I was adjusting my back.
Luke: Meanwhile, Ryan and I are driving around all night like idiots.
Seth: Really? Well, none of this would've happened in the first place if it wasn't for you.
Luke: Shut up, Cohen. It was an accident.
Seth: I'm sorry. Did you accidentally sleep with Marissa's mom, or did you accidentally tell Marissa about it?
Luke: I'm in no mood, Cohen.
Seth: Good. Keep it in your board shorts next time, you know what I mean?
Seth: So what's the GPRA?
Ryan: I have no idea what you just said.
Seth: Game plan, Ryan Atwood.
Ryan: You're just using initials now?
Seth: Yeah. They save time.
Ryan: Well, not if have to translate them.
Seth: GP.
Ryan: Game Plan?
Seth: Good Point.
Seth: Mom, Hailey made three kinds of pancakes and waffles. They're deliciously redundant.
Seth: The Nana has never exactly cared for The Kirsten.
Sandy: Oh, c'mon, Mom. It's Ryan's first Seder.
Seth: How do you know that? Don't assume that. They have Jews in Chino. Why do you think they want a P.F. Cheng's.
Sophie Cohen: Shawn and your dad used to hang in a gang together.
Seth: Yeah? Bloods or Crips, father?
Summer: I'm gonna study this thing so hard I'm even gonna out-Jew you.
Seth: You're reading it backwards.
Seth: No. No trying. Come home now, okay? I have to go. Summer's having a Hebrew hernia.
Summer: Cohen!
Seth: You're my little chachem.

The Proposal

Marissa: Besides, I'm not the only one crying.
Seth: I'm sorry, what? I'm allergic, okay and there is so much pollen in here right now, it's riDICulous. *to summer* Hey tomorrow we're watching football, okay?
Summer: Football season's five months away.
Seth: ESPN Classics. Okay, we'll watch old games.
Seth: Hey! Oh... sorry. I'm surprised that hasn't happpened before. Not saying I'm disappointed it hasn't happened before just saying the mathmatical probability of...
Ryan: Yea
Summer: Just get me the stud-finder.
Seth: Oh, Summer. I think you ARE the stud-finder.
Summer: You see this hammer in my hand?
Seth: Yeah I'm gonna find that stud-finder. What does it look like?
Seth: Excellent. I'm extremely stealth. "1996 All School Hide-and-Seek Champion."
Summer: Oh!
Seth: And, I do believe Joel Gordon is still looking for me, the fool!
Summer: Hey! It's you! We had a sailing team?
Seth: Yeah, yeah. Never really got off the ground.
Summer: You were in the comic book club?
Seth: Yeah. I was the President and only member.
Summer: Let's see...We had a film preservation society?!
Seth: Yeah, but it was actually a long time ago, so, you know, we don't have to...it's not fun.
Summer: Was I really mean to you?
Seth: No. That would have required you to SPEAK to me...or anyone to speak to me.
Summer: Don't you know what a level is?
Seth: Yeah. It's something you advance to in a video game.
Summer: Yeah, that's funny. The tool doesn't know about tools.
Summer: You're such a dandy, Cohen.
Seth: You're a dandy, Woman!
Seth: Yeah, she'll watch after you with her Care Bear Stare?
Ryan: How do you know about the Care Bear Stare?
Seth: *long pause* I painted that.

The Shower

Kirsten: Two weeks.
Seth: Sorry?
Kirsten: Two weeks. Unbelievable...Who would believe it? I don't believe it.
Seth: Ah, it's the tourettes flarin' up again. It happens every now and again but it's fine.
Seth: When this Julie-Caleb web is over, Julie Cooper is gonna be your mother-in-law.
Kirsten: Seth, my head is spinning
Seth: Yeah, me and Marissa? I can't even do that math. But the real kicker is...Julie Cooper? My grandma. My grandma wears Uggs. Think about it.
Seth: You met my mom, you met my dad, you met Captain Oats.
Seth: Sure we can do lunch. But your dad's not gonna need a menu because he'll be eating out of the palm of my hand. Ah ha hah!
Seth: Celery's gay. I got it, right.
Neil Roberts: Comic books?
Seth: Sir... I think I hear the skepticism in your voice.
Seth: What would you say—in your professional opinion—Summer has more of? Vim or vigor?
Seth: Hey. You're avoiding me. I like that. It's a throwback. Very eighth grade.
Seth: Go talk to your girlfriend. One of us should be able to.

The Strip

Seth: Do I force confrontation or do I just continue to be whiny passive aggresive until she realizes what a catch I am?
Seth: Go back to bed. Or... the floor.
Theresa: I can't impose on Seth's parents forever.
Seth: Sure you can. I intend to.
Seth: I love you too Dad. Just not as much as I love the Vegas.
Seth: Dude, what are we we do? I don't want to get thrown out of the hotel. I love the hotel. I wanna marry the hotel and have little gambling-addicted alcoholic kids with it. Is that wrong?
Seth: I love The Vegas. Obviously The Vegas loves me.
Seth: Why quit when we're ahead?
Ryan: 'Cause if we don't, Angry Trucker Hat Guy is gonna hurt me.
Seth: I hate The Vegas.
Seth: That's a card game, not hooker-talk.
Seth: How you doing there, buddy? Got your blackmail money.

The Ties That Bind

Seth: Seth's a good name if it's a boy.
Seth: There's really been no need for the Seth Cohen retaliatory zinger.
Ryan: Everything's fine.
Theresa: I'm pregnant.
Seth: Except that.
Summer: What about my best friend?
Seth: Princess Sparkle is freaking out?
Seth: I just love pudding. It's so fun to say. Pudding. Pudding. Puuuudding.
Ryan: You're talking to a boat, Seth.
Seth: Yeah, I talk to a plastic horse, too. But that never worries anyone.
Ryan: Yeah. It worries me.
Summer: I can’t believe your boat’s name is Summer. What a coincidence. My name’s Summer, your boat’s name’s Summer. It’s kinda crazy.
Seth: (Laughs) Yeah, it’s just crazy.
Seth: I think this was the very stretch of beach where we got our asses kicked by the water polo team.
Marissa: Believe me, if there was something I could do, I would.
Seth: Yeah, well, I think you've done enough already.
Summer: Hey. They sent me out to find you. Found you. I figured you'd be stuffing your pockets with cocktail weinies. You're still gonna see him. Chino's not that far away.
Seth: I just can't believe he's leaving. He's the first real friend I've ever had. He's the only real friend I've ever had.
Summer: No. You have me.
Seth: Yeah, but that's not the same thing. You don't get it. Before he got here, I was the biggest loser. This place was hell for me, okay? I can't help it, I can't just imagine what's it's gonna be like here without him.
Summer: We'll get through it. I promise.
Seth: Could you tell them I'll be back in a few moments, please?
Summer:Sure.
Seth: And, for the record? I named my boat after you.

The Distance

Luke: Cohen got in a little fight with his mom.
Seth: Thanks. That was both honest and emasculating.
Seth: She has to understand it's not all about her.
Luke: You've got some willpower, because she has a killer rack.
Sandy: Hey, there's plenty of good restaurants in Newport.
Seth: I thought you said all the restaurants in Newport were overpriced and oversauced.
Sandy: I have this thing about sauces. Less is more.
Sandy: I'm backing your plan.
Seth: Is this like a Jedi mind trick?
Luke: Come on, Chino, try and hurt me...huh...make me feel pain. Wound me.
Seth: Think of all the money Luke saves on therapy playing these games.
Ryan: Mm, I think he should still consider therapy.
Luke: Oooh, you're gonna pay for that.
Ryan: Hey, so, ah, I was thinking.
Seth: I was thinking too. You know they don't even have a water polo team here. That's just gonna be a problem for me.
: Ryan: How'd you make it all the way from Newport on that little catamaran?
Seth: Hm. Well, Ryan, sit down, my son. motions for him to sit down. It was a long and torturous journey, and I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna sugar coat any details with you—
Ryan: Please don't.
Seth: —'cause we're friends. First, I sailed to Catalina. Then, I sailed to Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara, I ran out of snacks. Freaked out a little bit, pawned my boat for cash, took a Greyhound to Portland.
Ryan: You took a bus.
Seth: Yeah. But don't say it like that, cause it was a local. okay, have you ever been in one of those? Okay, not for the faint of heart.
Ryan: I can't believe after all that you took a bus.
Seth: Yeah. I think we're definitely going to have to come up with a better story for school though, that'd be good.
Ryan: I don't know, I like the bus idea. It's cool
Seth: Okay, what about maybe... boat sank, saved by whales? It's very Whale Rider.
Ryan: What else you got?
Seth: I took a boat, boat sank, saved by a mermaid? Boat sank, stranded on a desert island...

The Way We Were

Seth: We can not go.
Ryan: We can't not go.
Seth: We can so not go.
Ryan: Who's this guy?
Seth: That's me with powers. The power to be handsome. What do you think?
Ryan: I think this has something to do with the whole outcast thing.
Seth: Hey guys. Comic Book League. Check it out. We're gonna to be getting into the issues. The stuff that matters. You know what I mean? Check it out. Today's topic: capes. Gay, or kinda cool?
Seth: Ryan would you please take the minutes?
Ryan: Uh, Seth it's just us.
Seth: Yeah, uh huh. write that down. I now call to order this year's first Harbor School Comic Book League meeting. Members include Seth Cohen, present. Ryan Atwood.
Ryan: Uh Seth, it's just—
Seth: Ryan Atwood?
Ryan: Present. Seth, it's just you and me, can we maybe do this at home?
Seth: Yeah, we could, but then wouldn't get our pictures in the yearbook.
Ryan: That might not be such a bad thing.
Seth: Yeah, maybe you couldn't undermine me in front of the league. What about that?
Zach: Hey, I'm here for the comic book club.
Seth: You are?
Ryan: You are?
Zach: Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?
Seth: Um... because you're on the water polo team?
Zach: What's that supposed to mean?
Seth: Dude, I love that guy.
Ryan: You're not the only one. motions at Summer kissing Zach
Seth: No. She cannot be dating him. That's not even possible. How is that possible?
Ryan: A second ago you wanted to date him.
Seth: Dude, do you really think Summer's gonna want to be friends with me after what I did to her. Especially now that she has the Zach Attack? The guy's like Superman.
Ryan: He's not like Superman.
Seth: He's like a thoroughbred. And I'm a monkey. With cymbals.
Seth: I will bring these walls down with one single grand gesture!
Ryan: No! No grand gestures!
Seth: I'm going to go and find a hotdog stand to climb.
Summer (smacking Seth): What the hell do you think you're doing, Cohen? This isn't a game. You could have gotten hurt.
Seth: Good thing I didn't.

The New Kids on the Block

Seth: The Bait Shop? Could be our very own CBGBs.
Ryan: Could be what?
Seth: C'mon. What? The only music they had in Chino was the sound of gunshots and helicopters?
Seth: I have a mop, Ryan!
Ryan: You got a mop, Bro!
Alex: Minimum wage, long, uh, taking tickets, cleaning toilets and the light preparation of fried foods.
Seth: Well, I'll be sure and wash my hands between the last two.
Seth: So, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the urinals!

(walks off whistling as Ryan stands there stoically until Seth wanders back the other way)

Seth: I don't know where they are.
Alex: That's sweet. It's pathetic but sweet.
Seth: Yeah, that's my niche. Pathetic and sweet.
Summer: Cohen, that was really sweet.
Seth: Pathetic and sweet?
Summer: No, just sweet.
Seth: Maybe I just— I can't be just friends with you.
Seth: Please, dude. I just need to talk about me for like several more hours at least.
Ryan: I thought you didn't do that anymore.
Seth: That was the new Seth Cohen. I'm back, Ryan. Cohen Classic. Red, white, and me.

The SnO.C.

Summer: Hey Cohen, you should invite that girl from Saturday night. Yeah... oh, I forgot. She totally pulled a Houdini on your ass.
Seth: Oh you must be talking about Lindsay. Not Alex, the one I made out with.
Summer: Oh, sorry. Alex. My mistake, and here I am feeling sorry for the wrong girl...
Zach: I should probably get to class...
Summer: You know, you should just really make sure she wears comfortable shoes so she doesn't twist her ankle when she's running away...
Seth (motioning to Zach): Yeah. Like, like him?
Summer: Zach! Hey!

(she runs after him)

Seth: That worked out rather nicely.
Seth: Ryan Atwood, afraid of a girl?
Ryan: I just might like her, and every time a big event happens...
Seth: Things go awry.
Seth: Hey, need a hand with something? Ryan, be a gentleman. I've got class.
Seth: The guy loves to dance.
Summer: You've gotta go Ice-Man on her ass.
Seth: Was that your first X-Men reference?
Summer: Top Gun.
Seth: That is how lame I have become. I have to be third-wheel to not even a real relationship.
Zach: I get it. You're one of those couples. Joannie and Chachi, Luke and Leia.
Seth: Luke and Leia were brother and sister.
Zach: Yeah, well, may the force be with you.

The Chrismukkah That Almost Wasn't

Kirsten: I've invited the Nichols...or the Cooper-Nichols...or whatever they're called these days.
Seth: They're called gentiles, and a whole slue of 'em at that
Seth: Ryan, do you think you can rope in some Hebrews?
Ryan: Blonde hair, blue eyes. Yeah, no problem. I'm a natural.
Seth: Fair point, my Arian friend. Okay, where're we gonna find some Jews in Orange County?
Kirsten: Oy, humbug
Seth: Oy, humbug.
Seth: For Chrismukkah to sweep the nation, we must have an anthem.
Seth: Moses and Jesus...
Sandy: Yeah!
Seth: They both have beards...
Sandy: Yeah!

The Family Ties

Seth: Will you punch someone, please? For old time's sake?
Seth: It's a story as old as time, really. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy finds out that girl is surrogate mother's illegitimate half-sister.
Sandy: I'm guessing it's too soon to joke Seth. Even for a Cohen.
Seth: Holy 80s teen comedy plot!
Sandy: Keep shucking, Seth! I want dinner ready by the time your mother gets home.
Seth: Hey! Maybe I don't feel like shucking these... Okay, maybe you should go and shuck 'em yourself, old man!

(long pause then suddenly Sandy and Ryan laugh)

Ryan: That's good.
Sandy: You had me shaking in my boots.
Seth: I'm so screwed. Bruce Banner gets mad he turns into the hulk. I get mad I turn into like a 75 year old yenta... named Silvia.
Ryan: You realize we're screwed.
Seth: Dude, I'm wearing a wifebeater.
Sandy: What's going on? You guys are okay? Seth?
Seth: Shh! We're being stealth!
Seth: Just came by to tell you I'm dying and... thank you for your friendship.
Ryan: Talked to Alex?
Seth: She won't answer my calls.
Ryan: Hm. Might have sometihng to do with all the vomit.
Seth: All the vomit? How much vomit? Like, the little girl in Sixth Sense or the fat guy in Monty Python?
Ryan: Well, you wanted to be the bad boy.

The Power of Love

Seth: If you're alone, cough twice.
Ryan: I'm alone.
Seth: We made blueberry, buttermilk... and if you're feeling especially sinful, chocolate chip.
Seth: I call this part "prepping the oven."

The Ex-Factor

Caleb: Have you heard about it?
Sandy: Heard about it? I have an 80-foot mock-up in my kitchen. It's gonna haunt me in my sleep.
Seth: Okay, tonight Newport is our bitch, okay?
Seth: Ryan, my girlfriend hooked up with a girl. There's only one thing to do in this situation.
Zach: You're gonna hook up with a guy?
Seth: ...I repeat, there's only one thing I can do.
Seth: I've got a lot of testosterone pumping. Testosterone being the key ingredient missing in Alex's previous relationship.
Seth: Hey. Where is she? Cause I will totally fight a girl.

The Accomplice

Seth: Is she back together with her lesbian ex? And if so is she open to some sort of menage-a-threeway as in the film Summer Lovers?
Seth: Hey! Bryan Gatwood. AKA Kid Chino!
Seth: Pfft whatever comic-book movies suck anyway.
Zach: Dude you didn't like X2?!
Seth: Turns out I don't make a very convincing Super Hero.
Summer: I don't wanna hear it. What are you guys? Like Kavalier and Gay?
Seth: That was funny.
Summer: I know.
Seth: I know that it's totally creepy. I know that. I'm sorry. It's was just a very long summer and I'm sorry and I will destroy all of them right now. I just need to find my X-Acto knife.
Ryan: How'd it go with Zach?
Seth: Well great until Summer came over and discovered my sketchbook.
Ryan: What'd she do?
Seth: Well I thought she was going to get a restraining order, but it turns out she's just gonna get her own action figure.

The Second Chance

Ryan: Is this about Alex?
Seth: Ah, no no. She's merely kitchen table fodder at this point. She's no longer up to poolhouse standard.
Seth: So then you're saying I'm just complaining that I have nothing to complain about?
Ryan: This is what I'm saying.
Zach: And Cohen, you gotta nail Summer!
Seth: What?!
Summer: Excuse me?
Seth: Okay, the way you're holding the pencil, you're choking it.
Summer: I am not! This pencil can breathe on its own!

The Lonely Hearts Club

Seth: I'd be a little more confident of me and Summer... if we hadn't made out.
Ryan: You guys made out?
Seth: No.
Seth: Our noses grazed. And it was like the most sexually charged nose-graze in the history of nose grazes. It's essentially nose-humping, is what it is.
Seth: So, for Valentine's Day, you're giving Lindsay ... grandpa?
Seth: After today, how I acted, Ryan, I don't think I'd get back together with me.

The Test

Seth: I'm gonna go home; watch VH1. I think Best Week Ever's on.
Seth: I think closure's overrated. I'm more of a fan of open unrequited love.
Seth: Last time I tried to talk to Summer she nearly decapitated me with my favorite pillow!
Summer: See ya, Cohen.
Seth: See ya, Summer.

The Rainy Day Women==

Seth: Think we should stick together? Kinda two-by-two like Noah did? He's very wise, Ryan. He had a beard.
Seth: Spiderman is really the only protective headgear I own.
Summer: Well, it's too bad you weren't wearing protective headgear when you were dropped on your head as a child.
Seth: Oh, zing!
Seth: Unless I can think of one last grand romantic gesture, Summer's gone.
Ryan: Wow. You know, I remember when I first heard about Summer. We were sailing and you said you named your boat after her. Which I thought was a little weird considering you never actually talked to her.
Seth: Eureka, Ryan! I can't believe I just said Eureka. That's it!
Ryan: What's it?
Seth: The way to win her back. The grand romantic gesture that's gonna put Zachary's Euro-Trip to shame. I shall take her on a sailing adventure aboard the Summer Breeze.
Ryan: Except you sold the boat for bus fare.
Seth: I did. Dammit. Eureka, Ryan! I shall buy back the Summer Breeze! Yes.
Ryan: Uh huh. Except with what money?
Seth: Okay, if I wanted my parade rained on, I would just step outside. Let me ask you, man. Do you like the shape of the idea, even.
Ryan: Definitely.
Seth: Okay great. So all I need is money. Hang on. Yes, got the answer. But before I say Eureka again, do you see any other potential flaws or holes in my plan?
Ryan: No.
Seth: Then Eureka, Ryan! Eu-freakin-reka!
Seth: I appreciate you selling me my boat back. When I sold it I was in desperate straits. Low blood sugar, no snacks.
Seth: Good God, she's a slut!
Seth: Marissa and Alex: no longer welcome in the Red States.
Ryan: That I wouldn't have predicted. Think it's real?
Seth: God, I hope so.
Seth: Hey, it's me. Look, perhaps you're screening.... Perhaps you're being screened by security.

The Mallpisode

Seth: This thing with Lindsay is just really kicking Ryan's ass.
Summer: Which is why it's a good thing we're like the Marines.
Seth: How are we like the Marines?
Summer: We leave no man behind. Look, Lindsay may have turned her back on Ryan, but we won't. No. You have got to cheer him up. Semper Fi.
Seth: Oh, Semper Fi. That's so cute.
Seth: And besides, now with Lindsay out of the picture, maybe Ryan and Marissa will get back together.
Summer: Are you crazy? They're like the worst couple ever. And besides Marissa's happy now.
Seth: Okay, and by happy you mean gay.
Seth: Ah. Father. I'm glad to see you finally found your calling.
Caleb: Exactly what I said.
Sandy: Ah, nothing like a good crack about a plumber.
Seth: Plumber. Crack. Funny.
Seth: How is it that Ryan and Marissa are now the functional couple?
Summer: Oh, my God. Okay, we cannot be more annoying than Ryan and Marissa. We're monsters.
Seth: I like monsters, but not us.
Summer: Do we not work as a couple anymore? Are we all setup and no payoff?
Seth: All Preparation, no H?

The Blaze of Glory

Seth: I gotta say, last year? Better than this year.
Ryan: Maybe it's because last year was new.
Ryan: Live in the now, Seth.
Seth: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can't do that.
Summer: You're kinda creeping me out.
Seth: I'm okay with that.
Seth: That guy worked an entire summer in construction. And also he enjoys architecture and burning stuff down.
Marissa: That's a good idea. Thanks.
Seth: Don't mention it. Especially not to Summer.
Seth: Someone's going to kill me.
Seth: That is one angry lesbian.
Seth: I think Captain Oats would be very proud. Or... deeply disturbed by this visual.

The Brothers Grim

Ryan: That was Trey.
Kirsten: Your brother?
Ryan: Yeah. He's getting out of jail tomorrow. Wants me to pick him up in Chino.
Seth: Well, there's that family trip you wanted.
Seth: Hey. What are you doing here? There's bagels and cream cheese to be had in the kitchen.
Seth: Hey, man. You came back. People never leave and come back.
Seth: You're still an Atwood. Only a slightly more edgy, darker version. I think. But some people think Ryan's gotten more softer.
Trey: Ryan said you talk a lot.
Seth: You want me to come? I've got a knack for picking out the post-prison wardrobe.
Seth: I saw the high road there and I just did not take it on that one.

The Risky Business

Trey: Just, ah, something I picked up in prison.
Seth: Ah yeah, the old scallion and shiv omelet. I've seen Lockup. Stallone's finest work since Over the Top.
Trey: Stallone, huh? Nuh, I'm more of a Van Damme fan.
Ryan: What, are you kidding me? Segal, man.
Seth: Yeah, a divided house can not eat. Now we all gotta get together between a single action hero.
Sandy: Steve McQueen.
Seth: Steve Ma-who?
Sandy: My own son doesn't know Steve McQueen.
Trey: You know a lot of people like Great Escape. I gotta go with Bullit.
Sandy: He cooks breakfast and a McQueen fan. I knew I liked you.
Seth: He surfs, he sings, he technically fights crime. Maybe Sandy Cohen could be our action hero.
Sandy: Just say the word, my son.
Sandy: He's very chivalrous, not unlike a young Steve McQueen.
Seth: Yeah, some people say chivalry's dead, but I just don't believe it.
Sandy: Hey, guys. I'm chairing The OC Pseudo-Charity Non-Yard sale.
Seth: Hey, Dad, that's fantastic.
Ryan: Good luck with that.
Ryan: Hey, you wanna do a little living room rearrange?
Seth: Yeah, yeah. Let's make it a three-way. What? That came out weird.
Summer: You guys bringing back the comic book?
Seth: No! No. Goodness gracious no! It's a graphic novel. It's totally different.
Ryan: Okay, you stay here.
Seth: What are you going to do?
Ryan: I don't know.
Seth: Okay, I got a plan. The kind of plan that made me All-Champ Capture-the-Flag Camp Tahoe. And it is extremely stealth.
Seth: Hello! Pleased to meet you.
Big Dude: Who the hell are you?
Seth: Well I'm Pippins McGee and I am from the Film Preservation Society. Now what we're doing is we're putting on a Tom Cruise retrospective. Now I understand that you're in possession of the crystal egg from Risky Business. *other guy gets up from couch* Hi. How are you? Now what we're doing is we're collecting, ah, Mr. Cruise's props from his most memorable films and putting them on display. We've got the rum bottle from Cocktail. We've got the ceramic mask from Vanilla Sky. We've got the little kid with the big head from Jerry McGuire. He's actually in the car. I don't know if you're interested in meeting him.
Big Dude 1: Hey, go on, man. Get lost.
Big Dude 2: Wait. How does he know about the egg?
Seth: How does he know about the egg? Or you know, or I know? How does he? How do I—?
Big Dude 2: How do you know about the egg?
Seth: How do I know about the egg?
Big Dude 2: Yes.
Seth: Okay, uh, you know— Mr. Cruise had it outfitted with a transmetro-pneumonic-transmitter device... tronic. It's a sort of a homing device. Must be a scientology thing. Mr. Cruise does it to all of his favorite props.
Big Dude 2: Let's kill this guy, man.
Ryan: Seth, go deep!
Seth: This never worked in PE.
Seth: Don't blame me for your sexual tension!

The Rager

Seth: He doesn't exactly seem overburdened with possessions. Unless that bag of his is like Mary Poppins. pause I wish I'd never made that reference.
Seth: Listen, I love girls and I love comics. But the two do not mix okay? It's gonna be like, "Let's make their outfits cuter..."
Ryan: Let's not talk about Marissa.
Seth: What? C'mon, we did me, let's go around the horn.
Seth: Would you relax. He's probably just going to buy cigarettes. Or getting into that suspicious looking Camaro. With a guy that looks like Lou Reed.
Summer: Cohen learned how to grill this summer. It's a major life achievement.
Seth: That's right. I grilled some corn, I grilled some veggies, I found something in Marissa's fridge, I just, I grilled it.
Seth: It's déja vu. An OC party, a water polo guy, saved by an Atwood.
Zach: What're you doing telling her I'm gay?
Seth: Now I said "gay vibe." I distinctly remember saying "gay vibe." And the two are very different.

The O.C. Confidential

Seth: Okay, so when the cops showed up and asked who's responsible for the girl floating in the pool, he was like, what: "I'm an ex-con on parole. I know, I'll say me."
Ryan: No, I think that when the cops showed up and went to put the cuffs on Marissa he did what he had to do to stop them.
Seth: What makes you say that?
Ryan: I was about to do the same thing.
Seth: Sure. The impulsive need to rescue Marissa Cooper must be in the Atwood DNA.
Ryan: It would explain a lot.
Seth: Are you thinking of going undercover? A high school sting operation? Because that would be very 21 Jump Street of you.
Ryan: Whatever it takes.
Seth: Yeah, okay. I get to be Richard Grieco.
David: Also, we're wondering about Cosmo Girl. Her magic flask. Could she get her power from like a magic sport drink, instead? The thing is, legal's like worried about lawsuits from the parents of teen alcoholics. Um... oh, the Ironist. Boy, a little cerebral.
Seth: Is he being ironic?
Seth: Is Summer around? I have a little quagmire to... un-quag.

The Return of the Nana

Seth: I don't believe it, Ryan. Brighteyes has two albums in the top ten.
Ryan: You okay with that?
Seth: Yeah I just feel like the rest of the world's finally caught up to me. It's a little bit scary.
Ryan: Yeah, it's a lot scary.
Seth: Tell me I'm still special.
Seth: Awkward family moment avoided for everyone but me.
Kirsten: What happened?
Seth: Is everything alright?
Sandy: The Nana. Headed for the altar.
Kirsten: She's getting married?
Sandy: Pack your bags. We're going to Miami.
Seth: Alright. Shuffleboard, Mah Jonng, dinner at 4. This is going to be the best Spring Break ever.
Ryan: What about you and Summer?
Seth: I'm going to go over there, I'm gonna apologize—extremely sincerely—then get out of town before I can do anything else wrong.
Seth: Hey, Summer! Busy?
Summer: What do you want?
Seth: To talk.
Summer: Yeah. Hold my bag.
Seth: Anything for my Million Dollar Baby.
Sandy: You know the Nana and her schedule. Friday night's Mah Jongg.
Seth: What? Since when's Friday night Mah Jongg? That totally throws off my schedule.
Seth: I can't believe she beat me.
Ryan: I can. Can we eat now?
Seth: Absolutely not. I won't go down like that. These people look up to me. I'm like a god to them.
Seth: So what kind of dancing are we talking about? A little Jazz Step, a little Soft Shoe?
Mary Sue: Actually, it's not quite a dance contest.
Seth: It isn't?
Mary Sue: No.
Ryan: She's got whipped cream, Seth.
Seth: Yeah, I know. Maybe she's making a cake.
Mary Sue: See, I'm gonna cover myself with whipped cream, and you're gonna lick it all off and eat a cherry out of my mouth before any of the other contestants.
Seth: Did she say cherry?
Mary Sue: If we win it would mean so much to my grandma. Not having to worry about my college loans. With all the money she spends on medication.
Seth: Yeah. It's for Grandma. What does she have?
Ryan: Yeah, we'll just hope Summer hasn't paid her cable bill.
Seth: Who are those guys?
Ryan: Uh, they're in the same Bible study class.
Seth: Oh. Think we could convince them to turn the other cheek?

The Showdown

Seth: All this time I thought you were a nice guy.
Zach: Wake up. I'm a water polo player. We're never nice guys.

The O.Sea

Ryan: What time is it?
Seth: It's 5:30... ish.
Ryan: You're showing up earlier and earlier.
Seth: Yeah, well, we had a lot of ground to cover, so I figured, since we're both up, we may as well get a jump on it.
Seth: Look, just because you saw Trey leaving Marissa's does not mean they're hooking up.
Ryan: Yeah? What does it mean?
Seth: Maybe he went over there to borrow something. Like a book. Or one of her News Boy caps.
Ryan: Yeah, or maybe they hooked up.
Seth: Okay, just married to the worst possible scenario.
Ryan: I'm going to talk to her today, but whatever happened she seems dead set on keeping it from me.

(The phone rings)

Seth: Kind of early for a phone call.
Ryan: Kind of early for a lot of things.
Seth: Dude, I'm so sorry about the launch. I had a Bruce Banner moment.
Seth: Dude. The ladies are all over us. And not in a good way.
Seth: I think one day, pretty soon, we're all gonna have a good laugh about this. Ha ha ha. I know that day feels far off, but comedy is just tragedy plus time.
Reed: Look, I hate to give you good news, but unfortunately, I have some. George Lucas is interested in Atomic County. And he might want to make it into his next movie.
Seth: Oh my god! We're like this decade's Matt and Ben.
Seth: Maybe I've seen too many Saved by the Bells, but if it's taught me anything, it sure has taught me that prom is this seminal moment, okay? It's meant to be shared.
Ryan: Is this about you and Summer?
Seth: No. It— Maybe. I don't— Yes, but only because Summer and I aren't going to go to our prom because of some stupid fight. So, you should really learn from the error of my ways. Please. Somebody really should.
Seth: So we ended up— well, we flipped a coin.

George Lucas: You flipped a coin?

Seth: Yeah. And you know, it sounds crazy, but at the time—
Seth: Sorry I'm late. I was caught in traffic...I'm on stage.
Crowd Member: You're not Zach Stevens!
Seth: No, I'm not.
Emcee Guy: I think you should step down.
Crowd Member: Seth Cohen's a tool!

The Dearly Beloved

Seth: Do I still even work here? I should find out for tax purposes.
Sandy: You are a part of it. Whether you want to or not. You want to run away again? Get in your boat and sail away? Your mother needs you. Come on in Ryan, you should hear this.
Seth: Yeah, apparently mom's a drunk and today's the intervention. So plan your afternoon accordingly.
Seth: This whole floating in the pool thing is not really helping.
Ryan: Nah, I hear you.
Seth: Neither is video games or the wisdom of Chuck Klosterman.
Ryan: You know, we should get out of the house. Hit an old folks home, some shuffleboard action.
Seth: I'm not really in the mood for old people.
Ryan: IMAX movie? Something with sharks?
Seth: Eh, I don't like sharks.

(Doorbell rings)

Seth: The way things have been going, I bet that's Oliver.
Seth: There's something more. But before I tell you, you gotta promise you're gonna stay calm; you're not gonna get all Old School Ryan Atwood.
Ryan: What is it?
Seth: It's upsetting.
Ryan: Yeah, we covered that.
Marissa: Hey, what's going on?
Seth: Well, we're on our way to Trey's, but you're closer. Maybe you can stop him.
Marissa: What are you talking about?
Seth: Ryan knows.

The Aftermath

Lawyer: ...Then you won't mind if I record this deposition.
Seth: Sure record it. Release it on iTunes. I hope it's a really big hit.
Summer: Okay, I have an idea.
Seth: Are you going to save Chrismukkah again. 'Cause I really enjoyed that last time.
Summer: Mr. Cooper has a nice boat.
Seth: Yeah. It's amazing what laundered money can buy.
Seth: I mean how does being a werewolf make you a better basketball player?
Ryan: Can't argue with that one.
Summer: What does Ryan eat?
Seth: Dry cereal from a box and black coffee.

The Shape of Things to Come

Sandy: She kept this place in tip top shape without so much as picking up a sponge.
Ryan: Yeah. How did she do that?
Seth: Her presence kept us neat, Ryan, It's her protestant evil eye. It's a powerful thing.
Seth: Dude, Summer and I fought over a comic book for a year.
Seth: My stomach is far too Jewish for that ride.

(after Ryan punches Dean Hess)

Summer: Oh my god!
Seth: That's not good.

The End of Innocence

Seth: Is it my fault that most of our half-baked adolesent schemes goes hopelessly awry and my dad has to bail us out?
Ryan: Uh, usually, yeah.

The Last Waltz (as Marissa disappears into Newport Union)

Seth: And that was the last they ever saw of her.
Seth: Here you go my little social chair maven.
Summer: You know I always thought that social chair was a ceremonial position. Like Rose Bowl Queen or President.
Seth: You plan the dance and leave the toilets to me. I was hoping that'd sound a little more heroic.
Summer: No, I got it.
Seth: Alright, come on buddy, get ready. For some old-fashioned Seth/Ryan Time.
Seth: Well, that is a pickle.
Ryan: That's it? No advice?
Seth: What advice? Call her, apologize. It's not rocket science. Man. You home school kids are pathetic.
Taylor: Hi everybody! Everyone, hi. I'm Taylor Townsend, your social chair. And I would like to thank you all for coming.
Seth: Relax. She's not taking credit for it.
Taylor: Thank you. So this dance has been my baby now for quite awhile.
Seth: Okay, she's taking credit for it.
Summer: I am going to kill her.
Taylor: But there is one person without whose help none of this could ever have happened
Seth: See, she's gonna—
Taylor: Dean Hess.
Seth: Oh.
Summer: I'm gonna kill the both of them.
Seth: Wait.
Taylor: So everyone, have fun. Because this really is the end of Summer.
Seth: Gee, now you kinda set yourself up for that one.
Ryan: Seth what are you doing here?
Seth: I'm here to stop you man. And if that means throwing myself between you and the gym, I only ask that you spare the face.

The Perfect Storm

Kirsten: You know you're going to be exposed to a lot of new things in college next year.
Seth: Yeah, horny co-eds and alcohol poisoning.
Seth: He could be off joining the Foreign Legion. Could be off joining a cult. Ryan could be— I don't know, he could be taking place in a mass marriage right now. Drinking Koolaid. With brand new sneakers. So many sick things...
Seth: Ryan's about a yellow slicker and a grey beard away from becoming the Gorton's fisherman.
Summer: Huh. Yeah, not getting the reference.
Seth: I got a room at the Mermaid Motel.
Summer: You mean the place where Theresa may or may not have conceived Ryan's baby and the place where Marissa's mom and Luke got it on?
Seth: Newport's very own den of sin.
Summer: Ew. But I like it.
Seth: You realize Ryan, of all of our hair-brained schemes—of which there are many—quitting school for a life at sea, it may be number one.
Seth: I have to say, Ryan Atwood, Fisherman, I think it's a good gig for you.
Ryan: Yeah, you like that?
Seth: I came up with some other pitches for jobs with you, but I should warn you that it's, like, wacky!
Ryan: Okay.
Seth: Ryan Atwood: Bull Fighter.
Summer: Oo! Big hat, like tight red pants and a little red coat.
Ryan: Alright, but I don't speak Spanish.
Seth: Neither do bulls. Ryan Atwood: Bounty Hunter.
Seth: Ryan Atwood: Fluffer.
All: Fluffer? What?
Seth: I'll explain it later.


The Swells

Taylor: Have you heard about the lock-in tomorrow night? The entire senior class is gonna spend the night in the gym.
Summer: Oh! Can't make it.
Seth: Yeah. I'm taking off my arm with a hacksaw.
Summer: She's not studying. She's at the beach with Johnny.

(awkward pause)

Seth: Ryan, try not to punch Summer.
Ryan: What's that about?
Seth: I don't know. Summer called. She said something about you getting to some guy's house on Dune Row right away. Some emergency.
Ryan: Is it Marissa?
Seth: I don't know. My cell phone was confiscated. Which I do believe is a violation of my civil liberties!
Seth's Voicemail: This is Seth. It's 2005. You know how these things work.
Seth: Ryan, I am freaking out right now. I'm using a payphone. And god knows what Asian strain of lip herpes I'm contracting.
Ryan: That's disgusting. I'll be there as soon as possible.
Seth: Hi everybody. My name is Seth Cohen. Of the West Coast Cohens. And I was feeling like we should all play a delicious game of Capture-the-Flag. Now I should warn all of you, I'm very talented at this game. Yeah, I was all-camp Capture-the-Flag at Camp Tacahoe.

The Anger Management

Ryan: Maybe the girls should pick the movie next time.
Seth: Do I have to remind you about the Bring It On phase?
Seth: Dude, all I'm saying is you just got back into Harbor, okay? You do not want to go back to the wasteland of home schooling.
Ryan: I told you, I'm not gonna fight him.
Seth: I hear you. And I want to believe you, but I also know Kid Chino. Sometimes when his back's up against the wall... with his fists of fury—
Ryan: Kid Chino is retired. He hung up the hoodie, so just relax.
Seth: Taylor Townsend? In fourth grade she campaigned against making the school handicap accessible. She said it was "reverse Darwinism". Besides who— who— wants Dean Hess' seconds.
Seth: Yeah. Well, I'm with Summer though so—
Taylor: I heard you were breaking up.
Seth: What? Who said that?
Taylor: I made it up. But what did you feel when you heard it? Relief?
Seth: No!
Taylor: Hello Seth.
Seth: Taylor. Hey!
Taylor: Is Summer here?
Seth: Okay, look. I love Summer. I always have. Now while you and I may share an appreciation for ultra violent Asian cinema, there is no way.
Summer: Yakuza? Were you with Taylor?
Seth: She's having an emotional crisis.
Summer: Yeah, well she's about to have a physical one.
Seth: Summer, she thinks you're her friend.
Summer: What? She is crazy. I hate her.
Seth: I know! You along with everyone else.

The Game Plan

Seth: Okay picture me at college. Big fish in a small pond or small fish in a big pond?
Ryan: I don't know. I never really pictured you living in a pond.
Seth: Me neither.
Summer: I can't even pick out my shoes in the morning, let alone plan the rest of my life.
Seth: It's okay, it's only four years. And, according to this brochure it's supposed to be the high-point of an otherwise miserable existence.
Seth: The weather. How about a little weather for a change. I mean, I'm not talking about, "it's cloudy with a chance of drizzle weather." I'm talking about snow storm seal your windows with duct tape weather.
Mrs. Rushfield: So we'll deal with grades and boards later, but for now I just want to get a feel for what you want. Where you imagine yourself.
Seth: Ah, somewhere cold. Or brisk. I would settle for brisk.
Summer: I want 365 sun days. I don't mean the day after Saturday.
Seth: Dude, it's my only choice. It's liberal, it's turtleneck weather, and most importantly it's 30,000 miles away from here.
Seth: "Dad, I'm not applying to Berkeley. Where did you get that gun? Why do you have this gun?" That doesn't have a good ring to it.
Summer: Cohen, you're needed upstairs now.
Seth: Tell my parents I love them.
Summer: These are our college lists. Do you see a difference?
Seth: Yeah. The font. Looks like you went with the, ah, Times New Roman.
Summer: The schools, Doofus. None of them are the same. None of them are even in the same time zone.
Seth: Okay, so you went West Coast, I went East Coast. It's not a hip-hop war.
Seth: We need to talk. I brought visual aids.
Seth: Listen, Summer's upstairs ordering things from LL Bean, so I have to, you know...
Sandy: Hurry! Hurry!
Summer: Uh oh, you and Seth are going to have to do the long distance thing. Better not cheat on each other.
Ryan: It's college. Things happen.
Seth: Are you questioning my sexuality?

The Disconnect

Seth: You know I read a study once that said that if 1500 third graders took the SATs one would get a perfect score by probability alone.
Summer: Hm. Yeah. I'm not a third grader, Cohen.
Seth: No, no, I'm not saying you are, but I mean how else do you explain it?
Summer: I dunnow.
Seth: How is that even possible?
Ryan: Well, she did save Chrismukkah.
Ryan: Don't do this man.
Seth: Do what?
Ryan: Compete with Summer.
Seth: Why? Because you think Summer would win?
Summer: Well maybe I never had a dream. You know, maybe for once in my life I actually want to do something in my life. Like something important. Be the first woman in space or win one of the noble prizes.
Seth: Summer, women have been going to space since the 60s. And it's not noble prizes, it's Nobel prize. Marie Curie won in 1903 for discovering radium.
Summer: I think you've made your point.
Seth: Did you just whack me with your tuba?
Summer: Did you just jab me with your peg leg?
Seth: It's a tap, you little whacker.
Summer: Jab, jabber. Why do you have to be better than me at everything.
Seth: See, that's just it, Summer. I'm not better than you at everything. There was one thing that I was better at.
Seth: My biggest fear, stated plainly: what if Summer's bein smart changes our whole dynamic?
Ryan: Why would it?
Seth: Because my intelligence was the one quality she admired in me. It made me almost a man in her eyes.
Ryan: C'mon, man. That's not true. You've got plenty of other positive qualities. You're funny. When you want to be.
Seth: Have you noticed how Summer's gotten a lot funnier lately? I mean I think she's funnier than me now.
Ryan: You're an expert in comic books and Yakuza films.
Seth: Girls don't like that.
Ryan: You know how to work a grill. I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry. I thought I would come up with more. The point is Summer doesn't want to be you, she wants to be with you. Right? You want that too, so—
Seth: Apologize, I know.
Seth: I'm sorry I've been such an ass, okay. It's just, you're superior to me in so many ways. You're better looking, you're more popular, you're stronger... and not just emotionally.

The Chrismukkah Bar Mitz-vahkkah

Seth: Seriously. I think you should really consider it.
Ryan: What, a bar mitzvah?
Seth: Yeah. You've brought some much needed Chris to the Cohens, but I think you really use some Kah.
Ryan: I don't think so.
Seth: That's tough talk for a guy that eats a lot of bagels.
Summer: And what do you think, Cohen?
Seth: My Chrismukkah forecast calls for trouble.
Ryan: We brought you a little something for the holidays.
Seth: It only took Summer five hours to pick it out.
Seth: If any of you were even remotely Jewish I would just say we could pool our bar mitzvah money, but— Holy crap, that's it.
Summer: What's it?
Ryan: Oh... no no no no no. No way, dude.
Seth: Yes. Way dude.
Ryan: I'm sorry, alright. I can't. I won't.
Seth: Will.
Ryan: I'm not having it.
Summer: Having what?
Seth: A bar mitzvah.
Summer: What?! Ryan gets bar mitzvahed. Now that is funny.
Ryan: Yeah, see. Summer's laughing.
Seth: No. That's just gas. Now listen, this wouldn't be an ordinary bar mitzvah. You know what this would be? Wait for it... wait for it. A Chrismukkah Bar Mitz-vakkah. Spell that, dude.
Ryan: That's crazy.
Seth: Yeah? So crazy it just might work.
Marissa: So we throw a big party.
Summer: And Ryan gets the money from the bar mitzvah.
Marissa: And then we can spend it on Johnny's surgery.
Ryan: How is this gonna work? Am I just gonna stand in front of Newport and sing Hebrew?
Seth: You chant. And hell yes.
Summer: Cohen, why don't you go comb out Princess Sparkle's tail? You know how it relaxes you.
Seth: Summer, what are you— what are you talking about? I wouldn't... Is the comb where I left it?
Seth: And that's the problem with the Jews right there. We have no concept of marketing.
Ryan: I can't believe this is you.
Seth: Hard to believe I was once skinny and awkward, I know.
Ryan: No, but seriously. You went out in public like this?
Seth: It's one of the unfortunate truths of the bar mitzvah, Ryan. It's the most awkward time in a young Jewish boy's life. But also the most photographed.
Ryan: Is there a videotape too?
Seth: You would have to kill me first.
Seth: As soon as you hear "that's what friends are for" you're done.
Ryan: That song is Jewish?
Seth: It might as well be. It's a staple of every bar mitzvah. It's you and all your friends, your arms around each other swaying. It's awesome.
Ryan: I thought all the kids you invited went to Luke's birthday party.
Seth: It's hypothetically awesome.
Young Seth: This is my funeral. Not my bar mitzvah. And no one showed up. And you said Summer Roberts was coming.
Seth: Jews don't believe in saints. Just really good stand up comics.
Sandy: Marissa, come join us. You're practically family.
Seth: I think technically she is.
Seth: Seth Cohen. Hello. Ryan... forgot his glasses so he's going to be right back.
Sandy: Ryan doesn't wear glasses.
Seth: He does when he's reading from right to left.
Seth: And Marissa Cooper will be playing the miraculous oil. Oo, I hope I didn't give away the ending.

The Safe Harbor

Seth: College applications have been sent off, studying, homework, learning... all the reasons to come here are pretty much over.
Summer: I can't believe we spent all day canvassing and we only have like 13 signatures.
Seth: Say what you want about Taylor, the girl's connected. Cheerleaders, water polo players, the band. She turned, they all turned.
Ryan: Alright, so it's down to the three of us, the AV club, and the comic book geeks.
Seth: Actually Leon is still a bit of a hold out.
Summer: This school is apathetic. They need someone who can inspire. Someone who can intimidate.
Seth: They need Taylor.
Summer: Yeah. You know, maybe it's better to be feared than loved. Cohen, you have my permission to do whatever it takes.
Seth: What is it?
Summer: I'm picturing, like, Indecent Proposal. You're Demi. Naturally. And Taylor is the leather-faced guy who talks to horses.
Seth: You want me to trade sex for signatures?
Summer: Get her on board. I want Marissa back at this school.
Seth: I feel so dirty.
Seth: I have been sanctioned to offer you sexual favors. I swear Summer said it was okay.
Taylor: Wow. Anything else, you would facing a long night. Involving candle wax, tubesocks and the new Fiona Apple CD. But Marissa, I can't.
Seth: Okay, well, lucky for both of us I have the option to forego manwhoring and make an appeal to your heart. Because I know that you have one.
Taylor: Seth, don't.
Seth: No, I am your friend. So is Summer and so is Ryan. And if Marissa came back, you'd have her too.
Taylor: Okay, you don't get it. My mom is a sports agent.
Seth: Your mom's a sports agent? I thought she was just a bored, bitter Newpsie.
Taylor: She's a bored, bitter ball-buster. 300-pound football players go to her when they need something done. pause. She threatened to take away my car.
Seth: We'll give you a ride to school.
Taylor: Not to pay for college.
Seth: You can get a scholarship.
Taylor: I'm sorry.
Seth: Fine. But as your friend I'm going to beg you to do one thing: Do not grow up to be like your mom, 'cause you're too good for that.
Summer: Surrender, much? I bet Napoleon never talked like this.
Ryan: Well, maybe he should have before he was defeated and exiled.
Seth: Summer, my little Empress, this is our Waterloo. Let's just retreat and minimize collateral damage.

The Sister Act

Ryan: Seth, it's senior year. It's supposed to be the best year ever.
Seth: No, you should know better. Every time things are going too well around here, that's when doom comes aknockin'.
Ryan: Doom?
Seth: Aknockin'. doorbell Or aringin'. Right on time. Don't answer it. It's probably a flaming bag of crap.
Ryan: We never really got past where home was.
Sandy: Oh, Julie wants us to wait till she gets here before we tell Kaitlin.
Seth: That her family's a prime candidate for Pimp My Double-Wide.
Summer: Mini Cooper?
Seth: Mini Coop not so mini.
Seth: Are you talking about Kaitlin's transformation from horsey tweener to lanky lean jailbait?
Seth: I love how people just come in now. No more of that useless back and forth to the front door.
Kirsten: Veronica wanted to go on a date with Summer's dad. And she threatened to make Marissa's life hell if we didn't set them up. Neil agreed as a favor.
Sandy: Look, Neil's a smart guy. If he wants to go on a second date with her maybe he sees something in her that we don't.
Summer: Huh?
Seth: What the hockey?
Kirsten: No no no.
Sandy: No. Okay. Okay, fine. But we have to make sure that she's the one who ends it. If Neil starts to pull away, she might take it out on Marissa.
Seth: Genital warts. Is the answer.
Summer: My god. That is amazing. And all you did was tell her he voted for John Kerry?
Seth: Yes, that is exactly what I said.
Summer: You told her he had genital warts? C'mon!
Seth: I just find it interesting how your hand collided with my face.

The Pot Stirrer

Seth: Dude, I planned my first escape on an Etch-a-Sketch. This is my dream. It's just, I don't know, man. It's real.
Sandy: I spent a month practicing how to say "Dude."
Seth: You still say it kinda—
Seth: I was saving the whole drug thing for college. Plus my dad smoked pot at Berkeley, so it's pretty much ruined for me.
Seth: You know I was taught that when you have something good, what you're supposed to do is you hang on to it. You know? You hang on to it with both hands. And if someone tries to take it from you. what you should do is you should make sure they pry it from your cold, dead fingers.
Seth: You're a mystery solver. You're like an Encyclopedia Brown.
Seth: I love it when you go for the comedy. But I would not quit your day job beating up people.
Seth: Dude, I am not stoned anymore.
Ryan: Okay, then why are you in my shower?
Seth: Woah. How'd that happen?
Ryan: Just drink the coffee.

The Cliffhanger

Seth: So I wanted to be alone. Are you the only one in this family that's allowed to brood?
Seth: Yeah, it's just Summer was over pot by the tenth grade. She thinks it's totally juvenile. It'd be like telling I'm into Beanie Babies.
Ryan: Well, at least tell her you missed the interview. You do that, I'll keep quiet about the rest of it.
Seth: We're getting dangerously close to an After-School Special here, Ryan. It's marijuana and I did it twice.
Ryan: So you're telling me you didn't come down here to buy a bag?
Seth: Fine. I wasn't going to smoke anymore anyways.
Seth: Oh no! The Atwood grunt. That's never a good sign. What's the matter? I'm gonna guess Marissa. Or Johnny. Or maybe Kaitlin. I'm gonna say probably a combo pack.
Summer: Cohen, you are in a deceit spiral. And if you don't stop now, you could turn in to some creepy old men who have secret attics where they hide stolen money and porn.
Seth: Okay, first of all? That sounds awesome.

The Heavy Lifting

Seth: You can't blame yourself. You tried.
Ryan: And failed.
Seth: Well you can't beat yourself up over it. I mean, Ryan Atwood against Ryan Atwood.
Seth: Because inside my manly exterior beats the heart of a 14 year old girl.
Sandy: Who knew women's panties were such a minefield?
Seth: Don't say panties.
Summer: I'm wearing the thong.
Seth: Yeah, that's... that's my mom's.
Summer: Ew.

The Road Warrior

Seth: I've got two girls in bikinis trying to seduce me. Which sounds awesome. But I'm scared, I'm wet, and I'm cold, Ryan.
Ryan: Okay. Alright, I'll be right there. I just gotta towel off.
Seth: Why do you have to towel off?
Seth: I love what you've done there. You could probably get a cable TV show to pay for that. HDTV's Extremely Sad Makeovers.
Summer: Oy.
Seth: As in vey? Atta girl.
Taylor: Does he still have the things on his... thing?
Seth: Oh no no. A little penicillin cleared that right up. Looks fantastic.
Taylor: Good. That's good.
Seth: Mom and Dad think you're helping inner city kids paint an overpass mural. I'm rolling around in your bed right now. So it looks slept in.
Ryan: You probably do that anyway.
Seth: So? Have a little gratitude.
Ryan: You're right. I owe you. But trust me, it's for a good cause.
Seth: Any chance you want to clue me in on what the cause is?
Ryan: The less you know the better. Just keep doing what you're doing. Except the bed thing. That's just creepy.

The Journey

Kirsten: Ryan, I forgot to ask. Do you have any request for your birthday on Sunday?
Seth: Sunday's your birthday?
Ryan: Thanks buddy.
Sandy: Not just any birthday. Ryan's turning 18. Becoming a fully franchised citizen of this great democratic experiment we call America.
Seth: Yes, we all know you went to law school. The important thing is we need a party.
Summer: We have a problem.
Seth: Oooh, yeah. Today's the day you were gonna tell Marissa about your parents doin' the bone dance. (Summer hits him) How did that go?
Summer: Don't ever say that again. I'm talking about Ryan and Marissa
Seth: No, we've gotten them back together before, you remember? What thanks do we get? They just broke up again.
Summer: Well, they need to make a decision. Either to get back together or to move on. Cause right now they are frozen in that post-break up "holy crap, what did I do?" moment. And the longer it goes on for, the worse it is for everyone. So you need to do something.
Seth: Me?
Summer: Yeah.
Seth: I'm in charge of Ryan's birthday.
Summer: Wait, Ryan's birthday is now? What is he thinking!
Seth: I don't know. He didn't exactly plan it. If you care so much, why can't you handle this?
Summer: Oh, because I have to worry about Julie Cooper giving my dad VD and taking all of his money, so my plate is full.
Seth: Fine...Dr. R and Julie Cooper are doin' the bone dance. (Summer hits him upside the head)
Summer: What did Ryan say when you gave him Marissa's invitation?
Seth: Nothing. Just got this sort of confused, wounded look.
Seth: So are you feeling more mature? Like you want to go out and vote up a storm?
Ryan: Fighting the urge.
Ryan: So what exactly was the thinking here?
Seth: Well, turning 18 is all about assuming your adult identity, right? So I thought I would show you all the different avenues available to you.
Ryan: Because I might want to be a cowboy.
Seth: Or my personal favorite, but no less gay, Fireman Ryan.

The Undertow

Summer: Mm. You smell so good.
Seth: You like the smell of salami?
Summer: Cohen!
Seth: What? I had a salami sub and I feel like it's lingering.
Seth: Ugh. Get a room.
Sandy: Hey, count your blessings. Kids with affectionate parents grow up to be better adjusted sexually as adults.
Seth: I know. I meant get a room. My room. And do it in front of me.
Seth: Is that a no to the Wheelbarrow?
Summer: I'll Wheelbarrow you.
Summer: We should fight, like, everyday.
Seth: I'm pretty sure I can make that happen.

The Secrets and Lies

Summer: I'm sounding out a hot new couple alert. Act like you knew nothing.
Seth: I don't.
Seth: So if the body doesn't lie...
Summer: Then it's saying, "Ew."
Seth: "Ew"? Or "Touch my pooper"?
Seth: Tense, tightly-wound shut-in. That's all I want out of you, okay? It's kind of a Boo Radley-shade. Far away from The Bait Shop and all of it's unsavory characters.
Kirsten: Hey handsome men!
Seth and Sandy: Where?
Seth: Ah, I just made the same joke as my dad. That's a bad sign.
Sandy: Your father happens to be hilarious. It's just hard to tell these days.
Summer: You didn't mention a word to Ryan?
Seth: Spoil his good mood? He practically skipped out of the kitchen.
Summer: Atwood skipping? Now there's a disturbing and... odd visual.
Seth: Picture this one: Ryan dancing. It's what this woman does to him. If you wanna keep the skip in his step we gotta keep Volchok off his radar.
Summer: Aw. about the video game You play. Volchok is Atwood's krptonite. He'll totally Hulk out.
Seth: You're mixing comic book metaphors. But you think we can keep Marissa quiet?
Summer: Marissa? She can barely put her words together these days.
Seth: She's usually such a wordsmith.
Summer: What does she see in that guy? He's so dirty and greasy.
Seth: He's got good abs. Women like abs. I got a six-pack myself. I know.
Summer: Cohen, those are your ribs.
Seth: Oh.

The Day After Tomorrow

Seth: No more hugging, though. Physical contact freaks me out.
Ryan: Hey, man. Summer was looking for you. I invited her for tonight.
Seth: Cool. Good.
Ryan: Everything okay?
Seth: Yeah. No. It's just that if she sees me she'll dress me like a Timberland Barbie. Did you invite Sadie?
Seth: Well he's 18. I just think college should come first.
Summer: Not if you're with the one you think you should be with. That you'll forever be with.
Seth: Who really knows that at 18?
Summer: I do. long silence Oh my god. You don't.
Ryan: Seth, uh, I gotta ask. Did you really get into Brown?
Seth: Did I get into—? Ryan, now who's smoking pot. Listen to me: the only class that I've ever gotten less than an A in is gym. My essay on the loneliness of being Superman made Mrs. Rushfield cry. So of course I... augh, how could I not get in?
Ryan: Why are you lying about it?
Seth: For Summer.
Ryan: Well, don't you think she's going to notice when you're not there first semester?
Seth: She said that if I didn't get in and she did, she wouldn't go to Brown. I'm not gonna let her do that. It's the opportunity of a lifetime.
Ryan: Well I think that's up to her. Sorry man, I think you gotta tell her the truth.

The Dawn Patrol

Seth to Captain Oats: You didn't get into Brown too, did you?
Seth: I don't love you anymore.
Seth: Gonna be a long night, Ryan. A lot of whining, a lot of pining, ah, maybe some brainstorming, you don't mind?
Ryan: It's good to be home. Alright, how are we going to get your Summer back?
Seth: Plan A: I fake my own death. You never wanna underestimate the power of the sympathy vote.
Ryan: Is there a plan B?
Seth: Yeah yeah. Uh, I could hack in through the Brown firewall into the Admission's office mainframe and reverse my acceptance.
Ryan: That's actually a good idea. You know how to do that?
Seth: I had an uncle that went to DeVry.

The College Try

Seth: You taking all that? You only own like, a wifebeater and two hoodies.
Ryan: So, um, you're going to fly to Brown...
Seth: And then I will somehow get them to admit me. Yeah. I don't have the, ah, details, okay? But Brown's a spiritual place. I'll go, I'll get a vibe, you know, bump into the ghost of Old Man Brown. Or whoever they named the school after.
Seth: We can save the hug for later.
Ryan: Yeah, okay.
Seth: C'mon. You miss Newport.
Anna: Uh uh.
Seth: The sun, surf, the surgery.
Anna: They have not perfected the chin implant in Pittsburgh. But I am optimistic.
Seth: Mocking Newport with Anna Stern. That is one of my favorite pasttimes.
Anna: Mine too.
Seth: Probably just gonna riff. We're both dudes. Even though he's got a bow tie and probably like nine PhDs, underneath I'm sure we're... pretty much the same.
Tour Guide: Kumar? You're name is Kumar?
Seth: Yes. Kumar Zimmerman. I'm half-Indian, I'm half-jewish. I am a HinJew.
Brown Prof: Mr. Cohen, I was under the impression that you were an admitted student. That's why I came to meet you.
Seth: I know. Will you please just listen to me, and if you still don't want to let me in at least I'll know I tried.
Brown Prof: Okay. You have one minute.
Seth: Then I'm gonna have to sort of, ah, condense this. Maybe make it more of a bullet point thing. Uh, mm... Grades, 3.8. Ah, SATs, 2250. That's not perfect but I would say it's respectable. I was president of the Comic Book Club. I ws also a member of the chess team, although I was extremely low-profile.
Brown Prof: Ten seconds.
Seth: Okay. Here's the part about how I belong on the East Coast. And there's a little joke about the weather here to keep it light. It's pretty funny. And ah... I guess that's about it.
Brown Prof: That was compelling. But you misled me and you wasted my time. And I trust you will show yourself off campus.

The Party Favor

Ryan: Have you told her there's nothing going on between you and Anna?
Seth: I've tried, but every time I get close she pulls her rape whistle.
Ryan: Well you know, I'm not going. So if you wanna hang out, rent a movie.
Seth: Ryan, I love you. But if I have to spend my senior prom playing video games with you, I'm gonna kill myself.
Seth: I assumed she'd be going with the surf Nazi anyway. Unless he's selling crack to blind kids or— sees Volchok. Fondling some girl at the end of the pier. Ah, maybe that's his cousin. His really... dirty cousin.
Seth: Ah, there she is. Look at a true friend, Ryan. 2000 miles she flies.
Anna: In a middle seat.
Seth: All to make sure Summer and I go to the prom together. Tell me, would you do so much?
Ryan: Let's not test it.
Anna: Well, guilt can be a powerful motivator.
Seth: I'd tell you again it's not your fault except I want to hear this plan.
Seth: That's Summer's date? Looks like the guy in Fullmetal Alchemist.
Seth: Oh my god. You know what this is? This is the pirate's cave from Goonies. I've died and gone to heaven.
Seth: I knew you weren't going to go if I didn't go, and I didn't want you to do that. I didn't want you to miss the opportunity so I broke up with you.
Summer: That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Seth: Yeah, well, then I realized I couldn't be without you so I flew there to try and talk my way in.
Summer: Okay, now that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Summer: I love you.
Seth: I love you too. We can kiss later. All right. Want me to hold your crown? Hey! Rigatoni. Nice.

The Man of The Year

Seth: Hey man. Today's a good day for me, Ryan. I finally came clean and told the truth about not getting into Brown and things are great. Life is so much better when you're honest. You just mean what you say, you say what you mean. I feel like you.
Ryan: Well, now that you're on a roll, you gonna tell Sandy and Kirsten about Brown too?
Seth: Yeah. I don't think so. I'm gonna wait a little bit on that one.
Kirsten: Why don't you say good morning to Newport's Man of the Year.
Seth: I knew it was only a matter of time before this town recognized my contribution to this community.
Seth: Are you decent? If I come in am I inviting years of therapy?
Sandy: I want to talk to you.
Seth: Good. I want to talk to you.
Sandy: I love you, and I'm worried about you.
Seth: Right back atcha.
Sandy: You snoked pot in our home.
Seth: Would you rather I do it somewhere else? Like my college dorm?
Sandy: That would require you getting into college.
Seth: Do you think it's such a great idea me going away to college when mom's been drinking again?
Sandy: What are you talking about?
Seth: Maybe if you paid attention to anything other than that stupid hospital, you'd notice mom's been passing out before dinner.
Sandy: Don't talk to your father like that.
Seth: That would require you to act like my father.
Summer: (Stops kissing) Where was your dad going this morning?
Seth: ...You're thinking about my dad?
Summer: He had his briefcase with him. Does he usually keep important papers in there?
Seth: Ugh, you're turning me on.
Summer: I'm sorry. Cohen, there's something I need to tell you.
Seth: That you're using me to get to my father?
Summer: Serious!
Seth: So is this. We just got back together. The window for a make up hook up is rapidly closing, unless you wanna break up again.
Summer: No, definitely not.
Seth: Okay, so what'd you have to tell me?
Summer: ...I wanna be on top this time. (Pushes him down)
Seth: But you're always on top- (Summer kisses him)
Seth: Fine. But I want my own table. And my applause for his speech will be so tepid.

The Graduates

Seth: "Dad, remember when I called you the worst father ever? Right after that, I swung by your place of work, I smoked a joint, I forgot to put it out and now your office fits into an ashtray."
Sandy: Well, we both screwed up.
Seth: We're both usually so awesome.
Seth: This is it, dude, with this stupid school. We never have to set foot in this stupid school or this stupid student lounge again.
Ryan: Nostalgic already, huh?
Seth: Never gonna have to see any of these shoe-peeing, shallow water polo-playing...
Water Polo Player: Get outta my way, geek. What is that, a dress?
Seth: It's a graduation gown. You're wearing one too.
Water Polo Player: Queer admitted to gown.
Taylor: Sung Ho and I decided to spend the summer in his family's village. We're defusing land mines in the DMZ.
Seth: That's a way to spend your summer vacation.
Summer: But what about the after-grad party? I mean you already planned it.
Taylor: As a gift. To the class of 2006. SO my work here is done. It has been a pleasure being second circle core.
Seth: You can join the inner circle.
Taylor: I can? Oh my god! The Fab Five!
Dawn: Hey, Seth good to see you again.
Seth: Good to see you, too. It means a lot that you made it down...I was being sincere.
Seth: Ryan got a car? Really? I've been waiting for years for a car. I'm supposed to be the spoiled one.
Summer: You guys ever wonder what life would be like if Atwood never came here?
Marissa: I definitely never would have talked to Seth.
Summer: Oh hell no. Me either.
Seth: Hahahah!
Ryan: See, you owe me one, buddy.
Seth: Me? She'd still be dating the dude who shaves his chest.
Summer: Oh my god!
Seth: You said she invited me. I'm not faring well, this trip down memory lane.
Sandy: Check out my boy Cohen! Can you believe how he's growin'! The competition away he's blowin'!
Seth: That's the one. Please don't do that. Ever.

Trivia[]

  • When he was young, he would make lists to stop himself from worrying. [1]
  • He has a toy horse, Captain Oats.
  • His favorite band is Death Cab for Cutie.
  • He named his boat, Summer Breeze, after Summer.
  • He invented Chrismukkah as a way to fuse and celebrate the best parts of Christmas and Hanukkah. [2]
  • He lost his virginity to Summer. [3]
  • He was the president and only member of the Film Preservation Society, Comic Book Club and Sailing Team. In The Way We Were, his comic book league is joined by Ryan and Zach.
    Comic Book Club, Film Preservation Society and Sailing Team

    Film Preservation Society, Comic Book Club and Sailing Team in the Harbor High yearbook

  • He has a fake I.D. His fake name is C.B. Cebulski. This is the name of a writer and editor at Marvel Comics. [4]
  • Seth wears a lot of Paul Frank graphic t-shirts, skinny-ish Levi’s and ratty Chuck Taylors. He uses a messenger bag for school. [5]
  • He has a tattoo of Little Miss Vixen with “Señorita Vixen” written underneath it. He got it in Ensenada, Mexico with marines who helped him look for Ryan. [6]
    Senorita Vixen

    Seth's Senorita Vixen tattoo

  • In an alternate reality, where Ryan never came to live with his family, he is still socially awkward and relentlessly bullied. He never gets with Summer. [7]
  • His spirit animal is an otter. [8]
    Otter
  • He’s afraid of needles. [9]
  • His blood type is O-. [9]
  • In The Rivals, Seth says “That letter is like The Ring, anyone who reads it dies." Adam Brody was in The Ring.
  • Unlike his character, Adam Brody actually hates sailing. After filming the scenes in Premiere, he asked to have no more scenes where he would have to sail.
  • His Atomic County counterpart is The Ironist. He disarms his enemies with his quick wit.

Appearances[]

Season 1
"Episode 1": "Episode 2": "Episode 3": "Episode 4": "Episode 5": "Episode 6":
Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears
"Episode 7": "Episode 8": "Episode 9": "Episode 10": "Episode 11": "Episode 12":
Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears
"Episode 13": "Episode 14": "Episode 15": "Episode 16": "Episode 17": "Episode 18":
Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears
"Episode 19": "Episode 20": "Episode 21": "Episode 22": "Episode 23": "Episode 24":
Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears
"Episode 25": "Episode 26": "Episode 27":
Appears Appears Appears
Season 2
"Episode 1": "Episode 2": "Episode 3": "Episode 4": "Episode 5": "Episode 6":
Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears
"Episode 7": "Episode 8": "Episode 9": "Episode 10": "Episode 11": "Episode 12":
Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears
"Episode 13": "Episode 14": "Episode 15": "Episode 16": "Episode 17": "Episode 18":
Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears
"Episode 19": "Episode 20": "Episode 21": "Episode 22": "Episode 23": "Episode 24":
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Season 3
"Episode 1": "Episode 2": "Episode 3": "Episode 4": "Episode 5": "Episode 6":
Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears
"Episode 7": "Episode 8": "Episode 9": "Episode 10": "Episode 11": "Episode 12":
Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears
"Episode 13": "Episode 14": "Episode 15": "Episode 16": "Episode 17": "Episode 18":
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"Episode 19": "Episode 20": "Episode 21": "Episode 22": "Episode 23": "Episode 24":
Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears
"Episode 25":
Appears
Season 4
"Episode 1": "Episode 2": "Episode 3": "Episode 4": "Episode 5": "Episode 6":
Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears Appears
"Episode 7": "Episode 8": "Episode 9": "Episode 10": "Episode 11": "Episode 12":
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"Episode 13": "Episode 14": "Episode 15": "Episode 16":
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Gallery[]

References[]

  1. ↑ The Night Moves
  2. ↑ The Best Chrismukkah Ever
  3. ↑ The Heartbreak
  4. ↑ The Strip
  5. ↑ [1]
  6. ↑ The Gringos
  7. ↑ The Chrismukk-huh?
  8. ↑ The Dream Lover
  9. ↑ 9.0 9.1 The Night Moves
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