- Seth Cohen: Summer's right over there, look. Wait, don't look. I mean you can look, but don't look like you're looking.
- Seth: Oh wow, I should really learn how to knock. Just in case there's a threesome going on. In the bathroom.
- Seth: You guys really wouldn't hurt me. Because that would be so clichéd. (they pick him up) I guess you're fans of the cliché then.
- ::Kirsten: Seth, we need to talk to Ryan.
- Seth: Okay. If this has to do with the rug, though, I just wanted to tell you that Ryan had nothing to do with it.
- Kirsten: What about the rug?
- Seth: I'm gonna go now. :)
- Seth: Dude. You're a Cohen now. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.----
- Sandy: Fellas, you mind?
- Seth: Oh. Uh, if this is about the vase...
- Sandy: Which vase?
- Seth: Nothing. Let's go, Ryan.
- Ryan: You didn't tell me there was dancing.
- Seth: Well if I told you there was dancing, I'd be here by myself.
- Ryan: Because I really don't dance.
- Seth: Neither do I. I just move well.
- Seth: You know, you're a great barbecuetionist.----
- Seth: Wow. You just got your butt kicked and you didn't even fight back. Dude, you really are a Cohen.----
- Seth: By the end of the night, she might know my first name.
- ::Ryan: Your mom bought me some new clothes. Which she didn't have to do.
- Seth: Right. Because we all know you can get a lot of mileage out of a tank top.
- Ryan: Ever since your parents took me in they've been paying for everything. I can't keep doing this.
- Seth: They're parents. They work for us.
- Seth: How do you feel about a little thing that I like to call... The IMAX Experience. pause. This town sucks, it's the best I could do.----
- Ryan: It's kind of a shady area up there. It's a hardcore neighborhood.
- Seth: Dude, it's Long Beach, not Chechnya.
- Sandy: So this happened in the parking lot of the IMAX movie theater?
- Seth: Shark movies bring out a rough crowd.
- Seth: It turns out that I'm quite skilled at getting a date if it's not for me.----
- Donnie: How much 'you hate this kid, Ryan? The way he talks to you like you're trash? What about you, Seth?
- Seth: Yeah. He's definitely flawed.
- Seth: It'd be good to take some me-time—work on my novel. Tonight would make a good chapter.----
- Seth: United, we're unstoppable, but divided, it's like—
- Ryan: People get shot.
- Seth: That's what I'm saying.
- Seth: What happens in Mexico stays in Mexico.
- Ryan: What happens in Mexico?
- Seth: I don't know, because it stays there. That's why we must go!
Kirsten: After 15 years? There's no way he's selling out.
- Sandy: Well, it'd have to be one hell of a free meal.
- Seth: And that's what they call a callback in comedy, Ryan.
Summer: You're Jewish?
- Seth: Yes. That's why I feel so comfortable in this desert heat.
Summer: This is a nightmare. I'm sweating to death, driving ten miles an hour on, like, a rickshaw, listening to this... music.
- Seth: Hey, do not insult Death Cab.
- Summer: It's like one guitar and a whole lot of complaining.
Summer: I am positive that I'm leaving this place with a rash.
- Seth: Oh, so you're planning on making some extra money tonight?
Summer: What're you doing?
- Seth: Almost watching TV. This is either Spongebob Squarepants or Jag.
Summer: Come on. Get off the bed!
- Seth: Nope.
- Summer: Be, like, a gentleman?
- Seth: Chivalry's dead, sugar.
Summer: You make a move, I rip out your jugular.
- Seth: Hey, pillow talk.
Kirsten: Ok, now let's talk about that surprise little trip to Tijuana.
- Seth: It's pronounced Tee-Ha-Wana. God mom you're so white.
- Sandy: Are we worried your dad won't love us if we don't feed him enough?
- Kirsten: Alright, starting now, no more digs at my dad.
- Sandy: Oh no, that wasn't a dig. Seth, was that a dig?
- Seth: No. When you called him a heartless bastard, that was a dig.
- Sandy: You sold me out.
: Gabrielle: I'm being sarcastic.
- Seth: Ah. Yes, we don't get a lot of that around here.
: Gabrielle: Fifth grade? Okay, she needs to change that. She's known that guy since he's been eating paste.
- Seth: I think he still does.
: Seth: Who's winning, me or my hair?
: Seth: You hooked up with my grandma? Actually that's kinda hot.
: Seth: Do you have any idea how pathetic it is to listen to you talk about mergers while some guy just stares at your boobs?
- Summer: Which guy was staring at my boobs?
- Seth: Who cares? The point is if that guy doesn't know you, he doesn't care who you really are. He has no idea that every day of third grade, you shared your lunch with that little skinny squirrel who kept getting his nuts stolen by that fat squirrel.
- Summer: I hated that mean squirrel.
- Seth: And, none of those guys were there when you had to read your poem out loud in class and your hand was shaking because you were nervous and you cared what the other kids thought.
- Summer: Poem? What poem?
- Seth: I Wish I Was A Mermaid.
- Summer: You remember that? That was, like, sixth grade.
- Seth: "I wish I was a mermaid and was friends with all the fish, a shiny tail and seashells, that's—
(Summer kisses Seth)
- Seth: —what I would wish.
- Sandy: If you can't talk to your dad, then who can you talk to?
- Seth: Gee, I don't know. Ryan, Mom, that tree over there.
- Sandy: You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.
- Seth: When are you leaving?
- Seth: How do you do that? Convey your mood with a look.
- Seth: The master race has been perfected, Ryan, and they all go to this school.
- Seth: So when you lost your virginity, I was playing Magic the Gathering.
- Ryan: You still play Magic.
- Seth: Yeah, but not as much.
- Seth: I'm only here for comic relief.
- Anna: So, this is your crib? This is where all the magic happens?
- Seth: Well, if by magic, you're referring to the card game, then, sadly, yes.
- Ryan: Titans. What about Legion? That was kinda cooler.
- Seth: The guy is in prison, man. Have you seen Oz? But, yeah, Legion was kinda cooler.
- Seth: Hey did you guys hear? Ryan's funny now.
- Summer: I... I just can't help it. And I certainly can't explain it. You didn't tell anyone?
- Seth: Of course not.
- Summer: 'Cause I'll kill you.
- Seth: No, I believe you.
- Seth: Nothing says Thanksgiving like Moo Shu Pork.
- Seth: Ryan. That's extremely minty of you. I didn't even know they had musicals in Chino. I didn't even know they had dancing. Or... laughter.
- Ryan: That's because no one who lived there is as funny as you.
- Seth: So, we finally agree I'm the funny one. Well look at that! Looks like we all learned some valuable lessons this Thanksgiving.
- Seth: I'm not afraid of Summer and Anna. Well, I'm not afraid of Anna.
: Seth: You and Luke? Holy unholy alliances!
: Luke: What are you looking at, Queer?
- Seth: Is somebody gonna get new material? Alright. Go with what works.
- Ryan: I'm still the guy that's from Chino and burnt the house down.
- Marissa: I'm still the girl who tried to kill herself in Mexico.
- Seth: I'm...uhhh...ahh..I'm still Seth Cohen
- Ryan: You're really starting to scare me.
- Seth: I'm okay with that.
- Seth: I am the snowflake and the latke.
- Seth: How was the mall?
- Ryan: Weird.
- Seth: Ah, yes. You've really painted a picture for me, I feel like I was there.
- Seth: I'm gonna go make magic happen. I feel like my hair is really working for me tonight.
- Seth: All right man, another Chrismukkah convert!
- Kirsten: We didn't know how to raise Seth.
- Seth: Right, and so I raised myself.
- Seth: Separate seats, you guys. There's no sex in the champagne room.
Seth: 3 letter word for hilarious. Dad, write that down.
: Hailey Nichol: Is that the short chick next door?
- Seth: Puberty happened. She's a Laker.
: Seth: Carson Daly and a ball dropping.... There's two words that should never be used in the same sentence.
: Sandy: Do you guys need anything?
- Seth: Yes. Ryan needs a tear in the space time continuum.
: Seth: Okay, that's a lot of genitalia in my pool.
: Seth: I'm claustrophobic.
- Ryan: Seth this place is huge. It has a kitchen and a bathroom.
- Seth: Sh. Ryan, do not use up all the oxygen.
- Ryan: You want a sandwich, a shower, we got all that here.
- Seth: Ha ha ha. We're gonna die and I'm the good one.
- Ryan: I sleep here every night. Three of the walls are made of windows.
- Seth: Yes, which are now covered with naked dudes. We're trapped like rats.
- Ryan: Yeah. Rats in an enormous pool house, by the way. Your aunt's really cool.
- Seth: Yeh I know, she's be a bit unpredictable sometimes. My shirt's strangling me.
- Ryan: Great, my girlfriend's kissing some guy. I'm stuck here with a lunatic.
: Anna: I didn't want you to be alone on New Year's...Actually, I didn’t wanna be alone on New Year's.
- Seth: Well, I'm not alone.
- Anna: Oh.
- Seth: Mm-mm. I have, uh, Captain Oats and Carson Daly, so...
- Anna: Oh, wow. That’s an unbeatable combination. I'll go.
- Seth: Wait, wait. Uh, Captain Oats had too much champagne and...Carson Daly's kind of a ginormous tool, so...I could use the company.
- Luke: Oh, hey, Cohen. Check out the replay on this tackle! I broke this bitch in half!
- Seth: Luke has a gay dad. Luke has a gay dad.....Can't wait to see it buddy!
: Seth: Dude. I cannot believe you live in the penthouse. This place is ridonculous.
: Sandy: So at this concert tonight, anyone there gonna be doin' drugs?
- Seth: Ah, I hope so. Otherwise it's a lame-ass concert.
- Sandy: Anyone named Seth gonna be doin' any drugs?
- Seth: Noooo. Nobody named Seth Cohen. I promise.
: Seth: Hey man, you know who sings this song?
- Luke: Rooney!
- Seth: Yeah. And it should stay that way.
- (Before Seth is telling Summer about him and Anna)
- Seth: You'll gonna miss a heck of and show though. And Rooney are not that bad either!
- Seth: Ugh. God. Who watches Leno? That explains everything.
- Anna: Explains what, Seth?
- Seth: Why that Danny guy is so not funny.
- Sandy: Whoa, that kid is not funny!
- Seth: Thank you! I know.
- Sandy: He makes Ryan look funny.
- Seth: He makes Marissa look funny.
- Sandy: Gentiles. I love your mother more then words, but not funny. Get yourself some funnier friends.
- Seth: Well, if you're ever feelin', you know, too bitter and lonely, I TiVo'd some Daily Shows. I know Jon Stewart's no Leno, but...
- Marissa: Hey what are you guys doing?
- Seth: Ryan was just waxing my back. Could you give us a second, it sort of stings.
- Sandy: Hello, ladies!
- Seth: Dad, don't call me a lady.
- Seth: You know how excited I get turning people on to comics.
- Summer: I'm busy. Studying. Naked.
- Seth: And that's supposed to keep me away?
- Summer: You're at my house!
- Seth: And you are dressed. I wonder who's more disappointed.
- Seth: It's not like, like now that me and Anna broke up I'm now choosing you. Because the whole reason we broke up is because of you. It's always been you Summer. It's just always been you. I tried to fight it and I tried to deny it. And I can't, I can't do it, you're undeniable.
- Seth: I was like a fish... flopping around on dryland, Ryan... I was Nemo and i just wanted to go home.
- Seth: I need advice on girl stuff.
- Sandy: You've come to the master.
- Sandy: Hey, I got you.
- Kirsten: I was young, impressionable, and drunk.
- Seth: Only child, right here.
- Sandy: Hey, listen, you were lucky to be able to hang in there after all that foreplay.
- Seth: Fore-what-now?
- Ryan: What'd you do to your eye?
- Seth: Summer poked me in it with her big toe. There were limbs everywhere.
- Ryan: Oh so you did the deed again?
- Seth: Not to rub it in, man, but I think Princess Sparkle was your type.
- Summer: The other night, when we had sex, you weren't the only virgin in the room.
- Seth: There was someone else in the room? Like, filming us?
- Summer: Me, jackass.
- Ryan: We'll just go back to being friends.
- Seth: When were you ever friends?
- Kirsten: I sense sarcasm.
- Seth: Well, you're perceptive, mother.
- Sandy: You did musicals? I did a musical when I was in college.
- Kirsten: Oh, please, someone stop him before he breaks into "Greased Lightning."
- Seth: Do it, Dad. Travolta's your bitch.
- Summer: Why can't you just accept that I'm not comfortable with public displays of affection!
- Seth: You're offering yourself or ten dollars a pop at a kissing booth! How much more publicly can affection be displayed!
- Seth: Hey, I didn't recognize you out of the Speedo. Not that I would recognize you in the Speedo.
- Seth: How was Pittsburgh?
- Anna: Great. It was good to be home.
- Seth: Well Pittsburgh is also the home of,Andy Warhol, Mr. Rogers, and ketchup and you just can't compete with that.
- Seth: I can't acknowledge you privately if you're not gonna acknowledge me publicly.
- Seth: My Jew-fro is frizzing out. I look like Screech.
- Seth: I know, I get that. But if it is 'cause of me, maybe I can talk her out of it. Except for the fact that I can't ask her if it because of me without sounding totally self-absorbed. And I'm not self-absorbed, right Ryan? Me. Me. Me.
- Seth: What if the girl I'm supposed to be with just went back to Pittsburgh?
- Ryan: What if she just went back to Chino?
- Seth: Why would Anna go to Chino? *pause* Kidding.
- Ryan: Nice one. Well, at least we still have each other.
- Seth: Actually, I have Summer now. But I'll put a little Seth/Ryan time on the books. That's quality time.
- Ryan: Thanks, buddy. You know, I could always hang out with Luke. I wonder what he's doing right now.
- Seth: I don't know. Discovering fire... Hunting and gathering... maybe shaving his chest with a buck knife. Hey you could do that together.
- Ryan: I do do that.
- Seth: I think I'm gonna declare this month...Angst Free Ryan Month.
- Ryan: A month? You think it's gonna last all month?
- Seth: Angst Free Ryan Week, with an option for an additional week, if you like it
- Seth: Maybe they're not having sex. Maybe they just go to spoon and watch Charlie Rose.
- Ryan: He's kinda like you.
- Seth: What? Handsome and charming?
- Ryan: No. Geeky and sarcastic.
- Ryan: How does that guy play high school?
- Seth: Hollywood, man.
- Seth: Yeah, yeah, that's exactly right. You're the beauty, he's the brawn, I'm the brains. Perfect.
- Summer: Great, and what am I, Cohen?
- Seth: Uh, the boobs? (Summer hits him) Uh, the bitch?
- Summer: Okay, I'll take the boobs.
- Seth: Hey. So will I
- Luke: Hey, Cohen! Get up!
- Seth: It's my precious! You can't have it!...Hey, what's wrong?
- Luke: You were asleep, that's what's wrong!
- Seth: I was adjusting my back.
- Luke: Meanwhile, Ryan and I are driving around all night like idiots.
- Seth: Really? Well, none of this would've happened in the first place if it wasn't for you.
- Luke: Shut up, Cohen. It was an accident.
- Seth: I'm sorry. Did you accidentally sleep with Marissa's mom, or did you accidentally tell Marissa about it?
- Luke: I'm in no mood, Cohen.
- Seth: Good. Keep it in your board shorts next time, you know what I mean?
- Seth: So what's the GPRA?
- Ryan: I have no idea what you just said.
- Seth: Game plan, Ryan Atwood.
- Ryan: You're just using initials now?
- Seth: Yeah. They save time.
- Ryan: Well, not if have to translate them.
- Seth: GP.
- Ryan: Game Plan?
- Seth: Good Point.
- Seth: Mom, Hailey made three kinds of pancakes and waffles. They're deliciously redundant.
- Seth: The Nana has never exactly cared for The Kirsten.
- Sandy: Oh, c'mon, Mom. It's Ryan's first Seder.
- Seth: How do you know that? Don't assume that. They have Jews in Chino. Why do you think they want a P.F. Cheng's.
- Sophie Cohen: Shawn and your dad used to hang in a gang together.
- Seth: Yeah? Bloods or Crips, father?
- Summer: I'm gonna study this thing so hard I'm even gonna out-Jew you.
- Seth: You're reading it backwards.
- Seth: No. No trying. Come home now, okay? I have to go. Summer's having a Hebrew hernia.
- Summer: Cohen!
- Seth: You're my little chachem.
- Marissa: Besides, I'm not the only one crying.
- Seth: I'm sorry, what? I'm allergic, okay and there is so much pollen in here right now, it's riDICulous. *to summer* Hey tomorrow we're watching football, okay?
- Summer: Football season's five months away.
- Seth: ESPN Classics. Okay, we'll watch old games.
: Seth: Hey! Oh... sorry. I'm surprised that hasn't happpened before. Not saying I'm disappointed it hasn't happened before just saying the mathmatical probability of...
- Ryan: Yea
- Summer: Just get me the stud-finder.
- Seth: Oh, Summer. I think you ARE the stud-finder.
- Summer: You see this hammer in my hand?
- Seth: Yeah I'm gonna find that stud-finder. What does it look like?
: Seth: Excellent. I'm extremely stealth. "1996 All School Hide-and-Seek Champion."
- Summer: Oh!
- Seth: And, I do believe Joel Gordon is still looking for me, the fool!
:Summer: Hey! It's you! We had a sailing team?
- Seth: Yeah, yeah. Never really got off the ground.
- Summer: You were in the comic book club?
- Seth: Yeah. I was the President and only member.
- Summer: Let's see...We had a film preservation society?!
- Seth: Yeah, but it was actually a long time ago, so, you know, we don't have to...it's not fun.
- Summer: Was I really mean to you?
- Seth: No. That would have required you to SPEAK to me...or anyone to speak to me.
: Summer: Don't you know what a level is?
- Seth: Yeah. It's something you advance to in a video game.
- Summer: Yeah, that's funny. The tool doesn't know about tools.
: Summer: You're such a dandy, Cohen.
- Seth: You're a dandy, Woman!
: Seth: Yeah, she'll watch after you with her Care Bear Stare?
- Ryan: How do you know about the Care Bear Stare?
- Seth: *long pause* I painted that.
- Kirsten: Two weeks.
- Seth: Sorry?
- Kirsten: Two weeks. Unbelievable...Who would believe it? I don't believe it.
- Seth: Ah, it's the tourettes flarin' up again. It happens every now and again but it's fine.
- Seth: When this Julie-Caleb web is over, Julie Cooper is gonna be your mother-in-law.
- Kirsten: Seth, my head is spinning
- Seth: Yeah, me and Marissa? I can't even do that math. But the real kicker is...Julie Cooper? My grandma. My grandma wears Uggs. Think about it.
- Seth: You met my mom, you met my dad, you met Captain Oats.
- Seth: Sure we can do lunch. But your dad's not gonna need a menu because he'll be eating out of the palm of my hand. Ah ha hah!
- Seth: Celery's gay. I got it, right.
- Neil Roberts: Comic books?
- Seth: Sir... I think I hear the skepticism in your voice.
- Seth: What would you say—in your professional opinion—Summer has more of? Vim or vigor?
- Seth: Hey. You're avoiding me. I like that. It's a throwback. Very eighth grade.
- Seth: Go talk to your girlfriend. One of us should be able to.
- Seth: Do I force confrontation or do I just continue to be whiny passive aggresive until she realizes what a catch I am?
: Seth: Go back to bed. Or... the floor.
: Theresa: I can't impose on Seth's parents forever.
- Seth: Sure you can. I intend to.
: Seth: I love you too Dad. Just not as much as I love the Vegas.
: Seth: Dude, what are we we do? I don't want to get thrown out of the hotel. I love the hotel. I wanna marry the hotel and have little gambling-addicted alcoholic kids with it. Is that wrong?
: Seth: I love The Vegas. Obviously The Vegas loves me.
: Seth: Why quit when we're ahead?
- Ryan: 'Cause if we don't, Angry Trucker Hat Guy is gonna hurt me.
: Seth: I hate The Vegas.
: Seth: That's a card game, not hooker-talk.
: Seth: How you doing there, buddy? Got your blackmail money.
- Seth: Seth's a good name if it's a boy.
- Seth: There's really been no need for the Seth Cohen retaliatory zinger.
- Ryan: Everything's fine.
- Theresa: I'm pregnant.
- Seth: Except that.
- Summer: What about my best friend?
- Seth: Princess Sparkle is freaking out?
- Seth: I just love pudding. It's so fun to say. Pudding. Pudding. Puuuudding.
- Ryan: You're talking to a boat, Seth.
- Seth: Yeah, I talk to a plastic horse, too. But that never worries anyone.
- Ryan: Yeah. It worries me.
- Summer: I can’t believe your boat’s name is Summer. What a coincidence. My name’s Summer, your boat’s name’s Summer. It’s kinda crazy.
- Seth: (Laughs) Yeah, it’s just crazy.
- Seth: I think this was the very stretch of beach where we got our asses kicked by the water polo team.
- Marissa: Believe me, if there was something I could do, I would.
- Seth: Yeah, well, I think you've done enough already.
- Summer: Hey. They sent me out to find you. Found you. I figured you'd be stuffing your pockets with cocktail weinies. You're still gonna see him. Chino's not that far away.
- Seth: I just can't believe he's leaving. He's the first real friend I've ever had. He's the only real friend I've ever had.
- Summer: No. You have me.
- Seth: Yeah, but that's not the same thing. You don't get it. Before he got here, I was the biggest loser. This place was hell for me, okay? I can't help it, I can't just imagine what's it's gonna be like here without him.
- Summer: We'll get through it. I promise.
- Seth: Could you tell them I'll be back in a few moments, please?
- Seth: And, for the record? I named my boat after you.